


stay with me until the sun sets

by serendipitea



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Attempt at Humor, Best Friends, Break Up, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Guilt, Headaches & Migraines, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecurity, Minor Aang/Katara, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Past Sokka/Suki (Avatar), Poisoning, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25250968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serendipitea/pseuds/serendipitea
Summary: Zuko is hanging on to life day by day and Suki is running from her past. Somehow, that fosters the perfect conditions for something deeper than friendship to develop.
Relationships: Suki/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 37
Kudos: 107





	1. prologue

The winter has just begun when Ursa, Ikem and Kiyi arrive at the Fire Nation court. Kiyi had been writing to her brother every week since they’d first returned home and in her most recent letter had demanded, much like royalty, to come and see Zuko.

Kiyi’s mornings are spent with her family, exploring the palace grounds and searching for secretive passages that the girls at her school told her are littered throughout. In the evenings, she’s lucky to find Zuko free of his meetings but he holds an air of weariness that doesn’t escape Kiyi’s perception. Even more so as the month’s end nears and Zuko quietly seems to be withering away. He never has breakfast, barely makes it to dinner and speaks very little. She knows her big brother has lots of work - it’s all her mother says when she finds her trying to sneak into his study - and lots of stress.

Kiyi wants to be upset that he doesn’t spend as much time with her as before, but seeing him so drained pushes the feeling away. No one tells her what is happening but she is smarter than the adults in her life will give her credit for. She knows the power her brother has, and the burden that comes with it. She hears about the attempts for his life, the anger in the colonies and the disloyal ministers planning coups. She understands that it is more difficult than Zuko will ever let on.

When he takes her around the capital on a miraculously free night, promises to give her a tour of the islands one day and tucks her into bed when they return, Kiyi thinks that Zuko is very selfless. She learned that word recently. She thinks that the next time she uses it in class she will say, “My big brother is selfless. He always plays with me and takes me to see cool things even when he’s sad or tired or upset. He shares his best desserts and candies with me even when Mommy says no. He cares a lot about me even when he should be caring about himself. Zuko is selfless.”

A month into their visit, the Kyoshi warriors enter the palace grounds once again. There are a few new faces Kiyi notices, but they are just as sweet as the familiar ones. When Kiyi goes to hug Suki she notices the girl’s smile isn’t as bright as usual. The little girl frowns, she isn’t sure if Suki is concerned about whatever is going on or if something happened before she arrived.

Suki is always with Zuko, even if there is another warrior with him, she never leaves his side. She forces him to attend all his meals, escorts him to his meetings and stands by him all day, only ever leaving to rest for the night.

Kiyi thinks things must be getting better after a few months. Zuko speaks a lot more, the colour returns to his face and when he plays with Kiyi it’s till he’s breathless and not just till an advisor pulls him away. The court bustles to life again, with more visits from ambassadors and many new preparations for the spring festival.

Suki stays regardless.

More recently with the ease of tension, unbeknownst to Zuko, Kiyi spends more and more time with Suki. She takes her to watch the Kyoshi warriors train, to the docks to see their boat from which they arrived, and even through the markets to buy her her favourite street food.

When they return home from a particularly breezy afternoon, Kiyi pulls the shawl at her shoulders tightly as they sit in the royal gardens. They watch the turtleducks float aimlessly, quacking slightly louder when a cold gust of wind brushes past. Kiyi retrieves the bread Suki bought for her and begins crumbling pieces small enough for the little creatures' beaks.

Kiyi doesn’t notice who walks towards them quietly that afternoon. She doesn’t know that for the first time in very long, Zuko is free before sunset. She doesn’t know that he pulled himself out of a meeting room and raced to the royal gardens as elegantly as possible. And she certainly doesn’t know that he falters and stops a few steps away from them, behind the grand old tree, when he hears his name.

“Will you stay, Suki? Zuzu always feels so much safer when you stay.”

“I think so. I want to help protect your brother. And… it helps that the Fire nation is far enough away from Kyoshi island.”

“What’s there to run from in Kyoshi island?”

Suki doesn’t answer. She tells herself the question is wrong. There’s nothing to run from in Kyoshi island. It’s that Kyoshi island is too close to someone she’s already run away from. And the memories that Kyoshi holds are too painful right now.

There is a long bout of silence between them. Kiyi mulls over what she’s been told.

“Are you in love, Suki?”

Suki’s breath catches. She speaks after a moment, “I used to be.”

“Why not anymore?”

“Distance is very difficult.”

“But Mommy says love is the most powerful,” Kiyi frowns. She looks to Suki with concern, thinking that the concept of love is as simple and pure as all fairytales. She doesn’t understand something like distance ever coming between two lovers.

Suki gives her a sad smile, “I think that sometimes we forget how powerful distance can be too. And how _our hearts_ aren’t as powerful as love can be.”

Kiyi nods, “I’m sorry, Suki.”

Suki pulls her into a hug at her side, “I’m okay.”

Neither of them hear Zuko turn and walk away.

When Kiyi, Ursa and Ikem leave a week later, the little girl hugs Zuko more tightly than ever before. But she is content because Suki stays. Suki is there for Zuko. And Suki is selfless.


	2. the beginning

The Fire Nation is busy in preparations for the Spring Festival as winter makes its slow departure. The days are just beginning to become longer while the remnants of chilly months past persist.

Brisk winds bite every body passing through the palace but one. Zuko stands at the centre of his training grounds, body burning alive from the exercise, breaths short and sharp as his heart beats hard. The air cools his bare torso as it hits his skin harshly and he revels in the relief.

He bows to his opponents before retreating to benches, slowly slipping on his black shoes before he attempts to tie his long hair up.A servant pads forward with a towel, a robe and his crown, Zuko nods his thanks in response.

Suki stands at the corner of the large quad closest to him, her head is turned away. Zuko passively wonders why, since he’d noticed she had been watching the entire time anyway.

He hears his title called from the halls, before he sees his advisor jogging over, “My lord!”

“What is it, Daisuke?”

“Ambassador Sokka of the Water Tribe has arrived.”

Zuko nods and smiles to the ground, dragging a towel around his neck and arms.

“He brings many gifts including weaponry and furs, they have been placed in your antechamber. He had been informed you were in the middle of training and he asked for me to convey the message of a challenge to an Agni Kai.”

The Fire Lord laughs, to Daisuke’s surprise, and shakes his head as he pulls his robe over his shoulders.

Suki finally approaches them. She nods to Zuko and then waves Ty Lee, who was giggling with one of Zuko’s training opponents, over to their side of the courtyard. For a second, he finds it strange for her to be switching shifts so suddenly. But then he remembers who his visitor is.

“He waits in your antechamber, my Lord. Lunch has been prepared and set.”

Ty Lee smiles to him as she escorts him through the palace.

When the Fire Lord enters his quarters he expects Sokka to be at the table yelping something about how he had a very long journey and he couldn’t wait any longer to eat, in between bites of komodo chicken. What he doesn’t expect are the strong arms that come around his neck in a hug.

“Zuko!” comes Sokka’s voice loudly in his ear.

The fire bender slowly wraps his arms around his friend as a grin naturally illuminates his face, “Good to see you, Sokka.”

They pull away from their embrace slowly.

“So when were you planning to tell me that I’m arriving right before Spring Festival? You know me! I’m the party guy! This is my thing!”

“Yeah of course, how could I forget our most honoured guest,” Zuko responds dryly.

“Exactly, Jerk Lord.”

“To be honest with you, I didn’t even know if were going to hold it at all…It’s the first festival in a very long time. Our reserves ran low on financing anything except the bare necessities after all the war reparations and the closure of the majority of the military industries. We’ve been scraping along for years now.”

Sokka nods along as Zuko leads him to sit at their table, “When did you start planning for it?”

“Mid winter—” Zuko begins, taking a seat in front of his guest.

“Hey come on, that’s plenty of time and I still didn’t get an invitation!”

“In my defence, you said you’d be arriving weeks ago… I kind of just assumed you’d be here and I could ask you to guide me through all that festival stuff,” He sees Sokka’s incredulous expression soften at his words, “I’m not exactly the ‘fun’ one, y’know?”

“Hey,” Sokka’s hand reaches across the table, “It takes a lot of courage to admit our flaws.”

Zuko snatches his hand away and scowls.

He moves to fill Sokka’s bowl with dumplings as he mutters, “What was the hold-up anyway?”

“Oh, yeah… Aha… I just got a little caught up in some stuff,” Sokka shrugs, “Important political stuff, y’know… All in a day’s work for the esteemed Water Tribe ambassador. Stopping wars, saving lives, keeping balance.”

“You’re describing the Avatar.”

“He’s lucky qualified individuals can’t take his position,” Sokka says seriously.

Zuko rolls his eyes, “Just tell me where you really were.”

It’s not that the fire bender doesn’t know. No. He most _definitely_ knows where Sokka ventured to when he was meant to be travelling to the Fire Nation. He thinks in the back of his mind that he just wants to hear him say it. To confirm the hushed whispers that litter the training grounds when the Kyoshi warriors are off duty.

“I visited Kyoshi Island…” Sokka huffs out, lips pulled into a frown.

Zuko looks down to his own bowl. The noodles rest in the light sauce of the dish, glinting up at him when the sunlight streaming into his room hits the bowl. Minutes pass in silence, making the older of the two think the conversation is over. The sounds of bronze chopsticks clinking against ceramic bowls resound in the room. They eat quietly, both savouring the spicy flavours and the warmth they bring to ward off any lingering cold. The seasoning is more than enough to distract them, especially Sokka who desperately reaches to fill his glass with water for the third time.

When their meal comes to an end, Zuko leads him to his study for tea. It is a slightly darker room, with only one large window overlooking the capital city’s docks. A grand desk is placed to the far right of the room. In the centre a huge red carpet, decorated with golden and white embroidery is set under a low table surrounded by red seat pillows. The Fire Lord gestures and the ambassador sits and joins him at the table. In front of him, placed in a long dark mahogany tray, are delicate ceramic bowls filled with biscuits and tarts. Zuko is bending a fire into his palm to boil the water in a kettle, when Sokka speaks.

“I thought that I’d visit Suki before I made my way here…”

The fire bender is confused. His brow scrunches as he tips a special blend of tea leaves into the pot.

“I guess I was too late…”

Zuko frowns, looking up, “No one told you she was here?”

Sokka lets out a dry laugh, “Who was going to tell me? Aang and Katara are in their own world. Toph barely has time for anything besides her metal bending academy and—” he stops himself before getting too upset. Letting out a breath and shaking his head in an attempt to rid himself of frustration.

Steam fills the air between them as the tea is finally poured into the delicate golden and white tea cups. Both of them return to their muteness; neither is sure what to say.

It’s in this moment that Zuko thinks Sokka must have felt more alone than ever. After everything fell apart with Suki, there was not one person to console him. No Katara to comfort him, no Aang to cheer him up, no Toph to rant to. And certainly no Zuko to support him. Sokka has been suffering alone for months, surrounded by middle aged ministers and bureaucrats that always have an agenda. He has woken everyday and put on a face devoid of emotion. He has travelled miles through the world forcefully numbing himself for the sake of his career.

Zuko wants to apologize. He should have been there. Written to him again when he said he wasn’t arriving on time. Asked him if he was alright. He still hasn’t learned how to be a good friend.

Before he can gather the right words, Sokka speaks once again.

“She was gone. The other warriors wouldn’t even tell me where. They said I was being obsessive,” Sokka spits out, “We broke up barely a few months ago—”

“I thought it was in the fall—”

“Yeah, then— And maybe if I hadn’t listened to Dad— If I hadn’t taken detours and visited Earth Kingdom courts on my way back. Then maybe. Maybe I’d get there in time. He didn’t even feel sorry when I told him, you know! He said he couldn’t have known—”

“He really couldn’t. It’s not either of your faults.”

“Whatever. My point is no one cares. And anyone that bothers to ask expects me to oh so quickly get over the girl I loved— the girl I thought I was going to marry. I had to see her. I had to ask.”

“I’m sorry Sokka.”

Sokka continues, “She broke up with me and ran away from the North Pole. She wouldn’t even respond to my letters, no news from anywhere. Fuck, Zuko, I didn’t even know if she _made it_ back home. I thought I lost her.”

He watches him with sad eyes, hand fiddling with threads on his long red sleeves.

“And— and everyone says it’ll be alright. That all couples have these kinds of fights. That she’ll come back. But…”

Zuko notices Sokka’s tea cup is still full.

“But I don’t think she’s coming back.”

Their first meeting is the following evening and Zuko forgets that Suki will be by his side. When Sokka enters and he sees her, he freezes. He doesn’t breathe until what seems like minutes later. But Sokka is much stronger than Zuko remembers, he seats himself and snaps his gaze to Zuko. He thinks the courts of the world have hardened him.

Zuko notices that when they speak, Sokka’s eyes always trail back to her: a love lost. He’s restless as they discuss, like he would jump up any moment and pull her into his arms. But she never meets his gaze, her eyes stare off into the darkness of the corners of the Fire Lord’s meeting room.

Zuko want to pretend it isn’t for this reason that he excuses himself early, tells Suki he’ll be retiring for the night and calls for another Kyoshi warrior to take her place despite her protests. He doesn’t understand her protests, he’s letting her leave the uncomfortable situation after all, until it is too late.

Zuko wants to pretend he doesn’t see Sokka run after her when they all leave the meeting room. But he can’t. He hears Suki tell Sokka it’s best that they learn to not be desperate to fix a broken thing. He hears Sokka tell her he can’t give up when he knows what they had. He hears Suki say she is tired of trying to fight fate.

Zuko wants to pretend he hadn’t been listening to it all.

But most of all, Zuko wants to pretend he doesn’t feel conflicted.

The first day of the festival is celebrated with great extravagance and glee. A banquet is set in the grand courtyard of the palace, small lanterns litter the perimeter of the quad. Addictive smells of traditional delicacies slither through the air as numerous tables of chefs work to feed the mouths of hundreds of guests. For the first time in very long, music streams through Caldera and calls for celebration. Bodies, still slightly hesitant, sway slowly to the alternating notes and pitches. Long gowns and layers upon layers of golden, red, white, and black paint the grounds with vibrancy.

Sokka thinks it is a sight to see, but he is much more concentred with something else.

“Is she working today, Zuko?”

Zuko avoids eyes with a particularly vile minister who passes by as he slips out an easy lie he’d been told to say, “I think she took the whole week off.”

“I’m leaving at the end of the week…”

“Yeah.”

They continue to filter through groups, mostly it is the Fire Lord conversing as Sokka stands beside him and neutrally nods along. Unsurprisingly, people important to the Fire Nation court still have a hard time hiding their pride. They blatantly choose to ignore the Fire Lord’s friend. Well, most of them do.

“And you must be Ambassador Sokka of the Water Tribe,” the minister spits the words out as if they are something to ridicule.

Zuko scowls to him but doesn’t open his mouth. He turns to see Sokka’s response but doesn’t meet his face. The younger man is swivelling his head around, standing almost on tip toes to see over the heads of taller guests. Searching…

“Mhm, yup, that’s me.”

The minister grimaces at the disrespect, “If I may ask, why is it that Chief Hakoda sends his warrior son to mediate trade deals… Actually, asking what exactly there is that the Fire Nation could ever want from the Water Tribes may be a better question.”

“Lots,” Sokka answers, eyes watching the food stations as his head is blatantly turned away.

“Lots?"

“Yes, exactly. Lots and lots of goodies.”

“I beg your pardon, Ambassador?” it is almost a threat.

“Yes, you are pardoned.”

Zuko thinks that he has never seen someone turn red with anger so quickly. Sokka truly is one of a kind. He stifles a laugh.

When Sokka suddenly straightens his back and excuses himself, the weight of his recent actions finally come crashing onto the fire bender.

Zuko prays to god Suki won’t kill him for this. He feels awful as it is for not informing her of the meeting before and indirectly ambushing her. He feels even worse because he knows how broken she was when she arrived in the winter. More so even then because she had hid it all to ground him in the midst of all the stress he was under.

Before he can think to stop him, Sokka has disappeared into the crowd. Zuko wishes he hadn’t gifted him any clothes. Blue would be much easier to spot.

He relents a few minutes into searching, after excusing himself. Zuko thinks all he can do is hope for the best as he continues along meeting his citizens. He isn’t sure when a servant had handed him a drink but as Zuko walks to yet another business man who is desperate to introduce his daughter, he thinks he could use a distraction. Gulping down the red wine, he winces at the bitter and stinging taste. He shakes his head feeling light headed as he nods to the young woman and her father in front of him. The conversation is typical: flattery and allusions to marriage. The woman doesn’t look to him, but it is different from shyness. She chooses to watch the dance floor and a particular performance of an esteemed belly dancer. Zuko laughs to himself.

But slowly, Zuko notices the words that drift into his ears are slow and distorted. He realizes he can’t focus on anything the affluent man in front of him says. The sounds of footsteps around him begin to pound into his ears. Nonetheless, he entertains them for as long as he can, a headache creeping into his cranium much faster than should be normal.

Finally, he excuses himself and makes to return to his dais placed at the front of the courtyard. If he could just sit, for just a few minutes, he could feel better.

But every step he takes is no good. The dais looks like it is never getting closer. His feet feel like they are being pulled into quicksand rather than gliding over marble, his arms feel heavy at his sides, his mouth is parched and his neck aches from the weight of his head.

All at once, the ground is pulled out from underneath him.

Zuko is thankful that when his throat seizes up and he drops in the centre of the courtyard, Sokka is the one who grabs him before his head slams into the ground. His breaths are halted, his heart is racing faster than he can count the beats, and the dryness that overcomes his throat almost makes him want to take another sip of his deadly drink. Zuko can barely make out the figures that clamber over him, still not close enough to block the lights of the lanterns that burn into his skull like he’s staring into the sun. Fear courses through his veins like his heart is pumping anxiety rather than blood.

_Perhaps this is the end._

Zuko begins to pray to Agni, to the dragons and the spirits that are glaring from the sky down at him, “I’m sorry. I tried my best to fix it all. Maybe this wasn’t my destiny. I was wrong again.”

They don’t relent, their faces growing in size as they become all the more intimidating. Zuko waits for them to pass judgment. For them to deem him a mistake. A dishonour.

He worries then. Who was this throne for? Azula? Aang? Iroh? Yes. Yes it was for Uncle. That makes sense doesn’t it? But no. He never wanted to rule. He only ever wanted a quiet life. Wrong again, Zuko. Wrong.

Loud voices pierce his thoughts and Zuko screws his face up, he can’t feel his hands so he isn’t sure if he’s covering his ears. The voices speak loudly, they’re telling him to do something he doesn’t understand: to stand? To lead? Zuko doesn’t want to lead. He is tired. His drink has reminded him how tired he is. He deserves to sleep now, doesn’t he? He’s been tired for so long.

Before Zuko can close his eyes, she appears before him. Glowing like starlight, a spirit profoundly ethereal. If Zuko could make his lungs work he would gasp. She is an angel. Her hand comes to his cheek, it isn’t white like her face but it is soft and warm like hugs he remembers from childhood. It is so comforting.

When she speaks, her voice is melodic, “Zuko? Zuko, I’m here. It’s Suki. Your warrior. Zuko don’t close your eyes. Stay awake. Please. Promise me.”

Zuko hates breaking promises. He hates being selfish.

But his eyelids are heavy. He tries his hardest to keep his eyes open, just long enough to memorize her. He thinks that if he were to go away forever, maybe taking in everything about her now would mean he’d dream of her. Of her strong sweet smell, of the heavenly aura that glows from her face, of the sweet words that lull him to sleep. She would keep him safe, like she always did. And Zuko would need protection even in his sleep. From nightmares. From his own mind.

His eyes close. Zuko hopes he will meet her again. In dreams. And she will stay with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed! please do let me know your thoughts in the comments!!


	3. the ailing

When the feeling returns to his limbs and Zuko can feel a pulsating headache. He hears footsteps approach him. He doesn’t open his eyes. He can feel his bedsheets under his hands, he resists the urge to clench the fabric in a desperate attempt to ground himself from the memories swirling back into his head.

A poisoning… One strong enough that it had almost completely taken him. Zuko doesn’t mistake it for a threat. No. It must have been incompetence to leave him alive.

Zuko thinks that perhaps the universe is on his side for once.

He feels the mattress dip by his left leg. A shaky breath is taken, disturbing the quiet of his bedroom. Two hands come to hold his. They are griping him tightly, like if they let go Zuko will slip away.

Zuko hears another few footsteps as someone new enters. The footsteps stop abruptly before they reach his bed. There is a silence that tells Zuko that the other person is upset by something they just noticed, something that wasn’t obvious from the distance at the door. His hand burns.

“How is he?”

It’s Sokka.

Then, the melodious voice speaks from his side.

“As good as someone can be after being forcefully pulled from the hands of death,” Zuko hears the concern in her voice, “The doctor said the antidote will take a toll on him. A fever that he’ll have to ride out the rest of the week. But he’s okay. He’s alive,” If it’s even possible, the hands clench tighter around his hand.

Sokka sighs out of relief, “Thank the spirits.”

“How’s the court?”

“His advisors have gone absolutely nuts. The minister of security is lost, ironically enough.They’re not sure where to begin with the investigation. Whether to wait for him or to go on ahead. They’re also debating on whether to cancel the festival.”

Zuko almost jumps up at that, but the lack of energy in his body keeps him still.

_They can’t. They can’t cancel the festival. Not for him._

He wants to hold onto his nation’s few celebrations. They deserve some semblance of happiness after the endless years of chaos and misery following his ascension to the throne.

Sokka speaks again, his feet shuffling in place where he stands, “They want to call Aang in.”

“That makes sense, I’m sure he’d be worried for Zuko. Have you written him yet?”

“I’ll send the letter now.”

Zuko would have laughed, the image of Hawky coming into his mind.

There is a long pause in the conversation where not one sound disturbs the atmosphere. Zuko almost thinks he’s alone in his room and the poison had made him imagine the whole thing.Even Suki’s warmth could be a perfectly strung together dream. Zuko thinks that if he had dreams that felt so comforting then perhaps he could sleep more often. Maybe it is just Suki’s presence, or the illusion of it, that makes for such tranquility.

A sharp voice breaks the calm.

“Suki, about what you said before—”

“Not now, Sokka. Please.”

Zuko feels a sting of pain run across his temple and he breaks his silence, gritting his teeth as he twists in bed and groans.

Sokka walks away.

Zuko thinks it is days later when he has enough energy to open his eyes and comprehend the face that walks in. Lean muscles garbed in yellow and orange cloth adorn his best friend who comes by his bedside. Aang sits at a chair placed to the ruler’s left-hand side, Zuko never recalls its placement being here before now.

“Zuko? You’re awake!” Aang’s voice is filled with happiness Zuko feels he doesn’t deserve to have been the source of.

“Barely,” he responds, his voice scratchier than ever.

“I’m glad you’re okay. Katara said you only managed to vomit the remaining poison this morning. She wanted to bend out what was persisting in your blood but the timings a little off,” Aang looks out to the window. There sits a crescent moon. Not a full one.

Zuko tries his hardest to nod in appreciation.

He doesn’t remember vomiting or Aang and Katara’s arrival. He isn’t sure he was conscious after that first night.

Aang smiles softly, “You’ll be okay.”

“Do you know who?” Zuko tries to shift into a more upright sitting position but his arms fail to support his weight, “Who did this?”

Aang frowns, “So far the investigation has been slow… Sokka and I are helping the most we can but whoever it was covered their tracks really well.”

Zuko scoffs.

He leans his head back onto the headrest closing his eyes again. If he could just wake up from this nightmare he could attend to his nation. His country that had finally picked itself out of the gutter it was in for so long.

_Why now? Why?_

Aang stands, moving to pour a cup of something warm, freshly boiled it seems, from the porcelain tea pot. When Zuko looks he doesn’t recognize the dish and scrunches his brows in thought. He blinks a few times to clear his blurry vision, he notices the green and yellow painted artwork giving away their origin.

“How are your travels?”

Aang stops after placing the tea pot down, looking wide eyed at Zuko for a moment as if he has no idea what he means.

“Oh, um they’re good,” the Avatar refrains from saying anything more. He knows what Zuko faces in his court. What he faced just a few days ago. He can’t talk about the freedom he enjoyed travelling the world with his girlfriend.

He speaks again after he slowly hands Zuko a cup, “Nothing that’s better than seeing my favourite Fire Lord,” he grins.

Zuko returns the smile best he can. His hands shake as they try to bring the cup to his mouth. He thinks the fear of getting burned scares him enough to try his hardest not to spill even a drop. They drink jasmine tea together, the wind blowing in through Zuko’s large windows and pushing the curtains against the dark walls. If Zuko closes his eyes and drinks in the sweet smell infiltrating the air between them, he can almost see his old memories rush back. Memories of nights spent in an abandoned temple. Of hushed conversations and bad jokes. Of fire bending practice and quick escapes.

When his cup empties Zuko feels weightless.

He is thankful for Aang’s agility because he doesn’t feel the teacup drop from his hand. Sleep overtakes him once more.

The next time he wakes he thinks the fever has set in. Zuko is sure his eyelids are clipped shut with the way he can’t seem to see anything no matter how hard he tries. He struggles against the heat that engulfs his body, scalds his skin and makes him whine in frustration. He must have attracted attention as a cool cloth is placed onto his head not a moment later. Hands gloved in water come around him to rest at the back of his neck, working to abate his high temperature. Slowly but surely, he is soothed.

Soon, the body above him sighs, hands slipping away from Zuko’s neck as his temperature finally eases away from dangerously hot. The voices finally clear and make their way into his ears.

“Have you spoken to Sokka since then?” comes a voice as the room returns to its natural stillness.

“Not this again,” cuts in a voice that sounds very much like Toph.

“Katara, there isn’t anything else to talk about. I can’t keep having the same conversation with him over and over again,” this voice is soft.

“And I can’t keep hearing you bring this up with Suki over and over again,” retorts the earth bender.

Katara sighs, “He just… he’s having a hard time letting go.”

“Well, maybe he should try harder,” Suki bites back.

“You’re cutting the guy too much slack, Katara. He did this to himself,” Toph adds in.

“Did this to himself? How can you blame him for pursuing his dreams! Do you know what it means to my brother to follow in our dad’s footsteps?”

“Do you know what it means for Suki? For him to galavant around the world, with not a letter sent to her for _months_. New rumours every few weeks coming around that ambassadors and business men are _earnestly_ offering up their daughters as a means of good relations with the Water Tribe. And this entitled sense of not even acknowledging _any_ of it when he visits her for _maybe_ a week if she’s _lucky_!”

That shuts Katara up.

“Or are you just assuming your brother is still the picture perfect infatuated goof he was when the war ended?”

“Stop it. He cares about her.”

“You would know?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Katara snaps.

“It means while you were hopping from city to city on Appa, your friends grew up. Your brother grew up.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about! You sit there criticizing me when we haven’t heard a word from you ever since you founded your stupid metal bending academy.”

Zuko hears the chairs creak, as if they are on the edge of their seats, jeering at each other inches away from each other’s faces.

“Oh its stupid? I’m sorry you didn’t invent a special skill for water, Katara, guess you just aren’t there yet as a _Master_.”

“I don’t need to throw around rocks and clang metal together to feel like I’ve accomplished something! I’m not living in fear of whether my parents are proud of me.” Water swishes in a bowl on a table beside Zuko’s bed.

“No, of course not! You’re perfectly happy visiting all the pretty gardens and beaches with your boyfriend while everyone else is idiotically wasting their time doing something valuable with their lives.”

“I do plenty around the world! More than your thick skull could ever understand!”

Zuko groans under the loud voices, headache coming back to him.

“Shut up! Both of you!” Suki’s sharp voice slices through them. He hears her metal fan swish open in the air, presumably between them.

The chairs creak again as they ease off, returning to their places.

Suki closes her fan. She leans over the bed, picking the towel from Zuko’s head, now lukewarm from his fever, and replacing it with a new one.

It feels like an hour has passed before Katara speaks again. Her voice is hushed.

“I’m sorry, Suki. It’s just that I’m worried for him. He feels he’s meant to be your’s. To make sure you’re safe. He doesn’t want to lose you too—”

“Don't—Don't use whatever happened at the North Pole against me. That was never his fault. And I’m not her. I don’t have a debt. I’m a warrior.”

“So is he… He’s protective. I know you are too. You understand.”

Suki is clenching at Zuko’s sheets. She speaks softly, sadness tinging her voice, “You haven’t seen it while you were away. The change. Sokka’s growing to fill the role of chief as his father wants. But it’s all he ever has time for. I understand. I really do. But I can’t shake the emptiness when he leaves for countless diplomatic trips and is too busy for me. Too busy to check in. He’s trying to rebuild his tribe and the world all at once. But there’s only so much I can hang onto in the few times he visits. I want him. But I won’t ask him to sacrifice his aspirations for me.”

“Maybe once he settles down—”

“Katara, you dropped everything to travel the world with Aang.”

A chuckle comes from the youngest in the room.

Suki continues, “You can’t ask me to sit and wait and hope on something that isn’t even a promise. Sometimes… I’m not sure whether he’s in love with me or just desperate to be the protector he failed to be for Yue.”

They are all left to process her words in the silence that follows.

Then, when it feels like enough time has passed for the sun to have risen again after midnight, he hears Suki counting softly. At first Zuko isn’t sure what for but as he concentrates he realizes she’s measuring the time between his exhales, making sure he’s alive. The sounds of her worried counting flit through the room like whispers of wind at winter’s end. And following her voice, the one Zuko has come to find comfort in, he slips away again into sleep.

Katara and Toph leave not long after, bidding Suki good night. They ask her when she’ll retire for the night, just like always. She avoids their question. And just like always, Suki stays. Suki stays for hours. Never growing bored, never needing sleep.

She is left to her thoughts as she waits out his sickness these days.

Suki needs to protect him. She cannot afford to let her guard down. Not again.

She almost blames herself for the poisoning. Her mind tries to usher the thought away, reminds her that she could never have known what was slipped into his drink. But her heart feels the weight of the guilt all the same. It presses on her like it might crush her. If she hadn’t strayed from her post, if she hadn’t wasted time investigating a disturbance at the gates, if she hadn’t walked in twisted paths to escape uncomfortable conversations with Sokka, then perhaps he’d be all right. He wouldn’t be fighting for his life. He wouldn’t be willing away a sickness that cooks him alive from the inside out.

“Suki,” Zuko’s voice rasps as he stirs awake, brows furrowed when he peels his eyes open.

She stands up, quickly pouring him a glass of water from the jug at his nightstand. She moves to his side, watching as his hand shakes with the little energy he has when he attempts to reach for the glass. She decides to push his hand away, lips pressed together as she sits on the bed. She leans over. Zuko’s eyes widen. Her free hand comes behind his head, lifting it straight as she brings the glass to his mouth. She tilts it and he drinks.

“Thank you,” he says after the glass empties, licking at the last few drops of water on his lips like a man stranded in the desert.

Suki shakes her head.

She lifts off the bed to return to the chair and Zuko almost wants to grab her wrist. Wants to ask her not to move. To ask her to hold his hand again so he can feel the same wave of comfort pass over him.

But he doesn’t have any poison left in his body to feign delirium.

Suki sits at the chair, hands folded together and resting on the bed as she watches him. He isn’t sure what to say so he doesn’t speak. He can hear the wind howling into his room, once again blowing his curtains aside.

Her hair would be ruffled from the wind if it weren’t tied back from her face. Her cheeks are pink, Zuko assumes from the chilly air. The weak light from the moon slips into the room, illuminating the space behind Suki and complimenting the blue in her eyes. It’s then that he notices she isn’t in her Kyoshi warrior makeup or her garb. She’s dressed in a red tunic with matching trousers, a scabbard rests at her hip. It seems like she made it herself, what with the additional sheaths sown into the leather to hold smaller knives and her fan. Even now, in the hours after midnight that tease the line between late and early, she is alert.

Zuko thinks no one impresses him like Suki.

She speaks, pulling him out of his daze, “Aang and Sokka think they’ve got the ones responsible.”

The Fire Lord shifts slightly.

“They were caught stealing a fishing raft on the coast of one of the isles. They’re unidentifiable, no citizenship or residence records. The other warriors and I think they might be rebels from the colonies, there was quite a lot of turmoil when talks began for your project with Aang. The next month would be when major residential upheavals would take place: clearing of land and deconstruction of military bases. They most likely sought to act now, before it’s too late.”

Zuko nods along slowly, the sounds from her mouth taking far too long to make sense in his mind.

She can see the fatigue.

Suki sighs, “Never mind about that for now. You need to focus on keeping your energy. Katara mentioned you should move on from liquids now to solid food. Hopefully it will keep to your stomach.”

She stands and turns to the door but a small tugging at her sleeve stops her.

“Please—” his voice is cracked again, as if all the water in the world won’t be enough, “I’m not hungry. I’m okay. Just—Just don’t go.”

Suki returns to his side, this time her fingers brush his when she places her hand on the sheets. His hand twitches. He clenches it into a fist.

“Okay,” she breathes. And she stays.

Over the next five days Zuko wakes intermittently and falls back asleep after food and water are all but forced down his throat. Suki is always there, morning and night. Zuko almost wonders why she hasn’t switched shifts with another Kyoshi warrior but halts himself. He shouldn’t question a good thing. He doesn’t want Suki to leave. He wants to see her when he wakes and before he slips into sleep every night.

He wonders if there is poison left in his body that is inciting these invasive thoughts.

Eventually, as the days pass, his skin revitalizes as it adopts a healthy glow, he has enough energy to sit up, and his body’s internal clock readjusts to the norm. He is slowly returned to work by the week’s end, mostly operating from the desk in his bedroom. Signing off declarations, high court orders and writing back officials leads him to staying awake late into the nights.

His back aches as he yawns away the exhausted pleas from his body. But he can’t afford to slack. He needs to catch up. He needs to fix everything that has been in disarray during his sickness. He needs to return to his draining destiny.

It’s only when Suki finally stands from her place across the room, moves to his desk, and places a hand at his shoulder does he stop.

“Enough.”

Zuko closes his eyes, hands coming up as he rubs at them. He isn’t sure if anything he does will ever be enough. He shakes his head.

Suki’s hand tightens at his shoulder. _Please._

He relents and returns to bed.

It’s a few hours later when the sun rises and Zuko finds himself staring at the canopy above his bed. Today is the day he fully resumes work. He waits for the serenity to be disturbed by his advisors bustling in to bestow the day’s schedule. He’s sure that meetings will be abundant and all the officials will be quick to book all his time, filling up the week’s schedule instantly.

Zuko sighs. He hears ruffling of clothing in response.

When he turns his head he sees Suki yawning before she stands from her place at chaise on the other side of the chamber. She looks more tired than ever, like the days she’s spent by his side have never allowed for her to relax. Her movements are slow, as if she plans to save her energy for more important things like intruders or assassins or servants carrying poison. The cumulation of exhaustion on her face and the lethargic movements of her body are undeniable: it reminds Zuko of the winter. Zuko’s heart aches. _He did this._

“Sorry,” he says quickly.

“For what?”

_For making you worry. For being a burden. For everything._

Zuko shakes his head slowly. Suki frowns.

A knock comes at the door and the Fire Lord begins his return to the court. And just like the winter, Suki escorts him everywhere. Just like the winter, she never leaves his side.

After Zuko has signed the order to imprison the rebels and ensures the spring festivities continue, his duties slip into the norm: ambassadors, finance, defences, reparations and everything and anything that concerns his nation. He realises halfway into his day that he missed this. Leading his people and making good on promises for the future. Despite everything, Zuko missed the court.

When the sun sets and dinner is served, Zuko comes upon the first chance to speak with his best friends coherently. Aang is seated on his right hand side, Sokka on his left, Katara beside the air bender, and Toph beside Sokka. Zuko sits at the head, Suki opposite him. Zuko watches them with a smile. He missed this.

The chatter that filters through the air is filled with jabs dripping with sarcasm, proclamations of earth being the superior element, sibling quarrels, and overly optimistic attempts at peacekeeping in response.

It’s then that Zuko notices that Suki doesn’t speak much. She eats, gives Katara a tight lipped when their eyes meet and flits glances around the room as supervision. Zuko wishes he knew what was on her mind.

Aang’s whines disturb him in his thoughts.

“Come on! You can afford to take just one trip with us. We’re heading the same way, Katara and I need to speak with the officials in the colonies after this whole conundrum with the rebels. Toph is gonna be with us too! No third wheeling! And I promise, no kissing between Katara and I this time too!”

Katara rolls her eyes.

“No thanks, I’d rather not walk into the centre of all that chaos. My face is too charming to forget as being the Fire Lord’s right hand man. Who knows what they’d do to me to get to Zuko.”

“Yes, I’m sure the non-bender who’s name was misspelled on every ‘wanted’ poster is _so_ memorable,” Toph grins.

“How would you know how it was spelled!”

Aang looks at him plainly, “Sokka, I’m the one who personally removed their beloved Jerk Lord.”

“But you’re the Avatar! No one’s messing with the Avatar and his company.”

Katara coughs, “His company includes the most powerful water bender for her age.”

"And the best bender known to humanity," Toph jabs a thumb to her chest.

“Yeah, yeah, you too,” Sokka rolls his eyes, “I can't come anyway, I have to meet Dad back home before the other ambassador and I leave for Ba Sing Se. The trade deal they’re proposing would be beneficial for the tribe and I don’t want to screw it up going unaccompanied.”

Suki picks at her food.

Aang nods slowly, “Well, I guess another time, then.”

“Maybe we can meet at Kyoshi on my way back home, I’ll be visiting Suki anyway, she gets all cranky when I’m away so long,” it slips off his tongue so easily. Old habits die hard.

Zuko sees Sokka freeze. He sees Aang stuttering out words to save them from the awkwardness. He sees Toph’s mouth press into a thin line. He sees Katara’s mouth hang open trying to find something to say to her brother as she looks away. A moment passes in which Zuko isn’t sure what to do. For all the delegating and commanding he’s done today, he can’t seem to find any of the right words.

Suki stands from the table, her chair rumbling as it is forced backwards, “Fire Lord Zuko, may I escort you to your chambers now?” Her voice is cold.

Zuko watches her with wide eyes. He sees the plea in hers.

“Yes,” Zuko moves out of his chair, “I’ll be seeing you all off tomorrow evening, I’ve ensured I’m free. Good night, everyone.”

As they enter the dark halls, Zuko hears Suki release a breath.

Zuko stares at the ground, he won’t ask Suki to speak. Suki has been forced to speak too many times this week.

When they reach his quarters, Zuko walks to his desk. He stops before he can sit.

“I’m sorry,” slips from his mouth for the second time that day.

This time, she doesn’t ask what for. She bows. Formal and devoid of feeling. But when she straightens herself and looks at him her eyes burn into his skull with a thousand emotions. Her lips quiver, but she swallows and they still.

In silence, he works. And in silence, he retires to bed.

As Zuko stands at the pier, he watches the sun begin to dip into the horizon and the darkness creep into the edges of the sky. Sokka’s back is turned, helping to heave gifts and packages into the Water Tribe boat. Aang jumps to place sleeping bags and sacs of food onto Appa’s saddle. Toph is directing both of the boys, phrases that toe the line between motivation and deprecation launch out of her mouth like a general.

Suki stands with Ty Lee, at the red awning situated at the end of the pier. They seem to be discussing a message from home, Zuko assumes from the scroll. Suki is painted with the colours of the Kyoshi warriors, but Zuko thinks nothing can hide the turmoil on her face. Under her tough facade, Zuko sees her true expression rests somewhere between relief and hurt.

He wonders if it has something to do with last night: she had excused herself when Zuko fell asleep and another warrior had entered to watch him. He had only noticed because his sleep was disturbed by nightmares — the same recurring nightmares that have plagued him for years. Suki returned a few hours later, he heard murmuring and picked up on her voice by the doors of his chamber. Her voice was raspy.

She hadn’t spoken much today.

Zuko knows where, rather to whom, she went at the back of his mind but he chooses not to dwell on it.

Lost in his thoughts, he doesn’t notice Katara come up beside him, watching his eyes on Suki for a minute before she speaks.

“Zuko, can I have a word?”

He nods and they take a few steps to stand aside from all the journey-related preparations.

“I think you know what I mean to talk about,” she looks over her shoulder towards Suki.

“I don’t.”

Katara sighs. Zuko thinks she knows he is playing dumb.

“Suki.”

“Ah. What about her?”

“This—You—” Katara tries to figure out how to start but it fails her.

Zuko waits. He isn’t sure if it would be wise to assume whatever it is Katara is about to say.

“She’s been away from home for so long now.”

Yes, it’s a good thing Zuko didn’t assume.

“I’m worried for her. She and Sokka are over now. Well, they have been but Sokka’s always had such an awful time accepting it. But I think now he has accepted it. He has to. It’s final this time.”

Zuko looks to the ground. He doesn’t want to talk about Suki and Sokka. A disgusting feeling crawls in his chest when he thinks about it—them. Together. And he hates it. He hates it because they are his best friends.

“My point is just that I think she’s trying to escape even the potential proximity to him. To escape everything that reminds her of him, hopefully just until it doesn’t hurt anymore…”

Zuko nods along, if only to make Katara stop speaking. His chest burns.

Perhaps it's the pollen in the air.

“Zuko,” her voice is stern.

He looks up, “Yes.”

“Please. Just look out for her. Don’t let her lose herself.”

Zuko wants to huff and bite back. _You don’t have to tell me._ But he doesn’t.

“I promise.”

Katara smiles then and gives him one final hug good bye. They return to the others and Zuko thanks them for their visit. Toph hugs him, Zuko wonders when she got this tall, and then lands a hard punch on his shoulder. He lets out a yelp in protest, and Suki laughs. He thinks it was worth it, then.

He moves forward, embracing Sokka and Aang tightly and telling them to visit him more or he’ll start poisoning himself for the attention. They laugh and Zuko thinks he’d like this moment to last forever. Standing before the sunset, happiness coursing through his veins and surrounded by his friends.

But everything good ends. And before the last sliver of sun slips away, his friends depart, disappearing over the horizon with the light.

“Shall we go back?”

He turns.

Suki looks to him with bright eyes.

Zuko smiles.

The sun hasn’t stolen away all of his happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing the dialogue for this chapter was so much fun, the gaang have such interesting dynamics that allow for very interesting entertainment haha
> 
> thank you reading again! please let me know your thoughts in the comments!


	4. the healing

It takes Zuko two more weeks to catch up on all the meetings that were postponed because of his sickness. Slowly he feels more like himself. He sleeps at regular times eventually, wakes with sunrise and feels energy surging through him like normal. 

Seeing his full recovery, Suki had retreated to guarding him from outside his chamber. Zuko didn’t understand when she’d stopped outside his room the first night: he’d developed the habit of having her spend the nights with him. But she stood, unmoving, and bowed her head slightly. And Zuko was reminded that he wasn’t sick anymore, that things should go back to normal. 

Of course.

Quickly, the days blur together as the first month of spring passes by and the next begins. Light breezes give way to thunderstorms under rising temperatures. The foliage throughout the caldera blossoms and thrives under the bouts of water finally pouring. 

Finally, Zuko has the time and energy to return to training— the one thing that helps him release his frustrations best. 

Fire ignites from his fist, pummelling his opponent down to the marble of the courtyard. He ducks as he hears the fury of a punch burn the air by his right side. His leg sweeps the floor, unbalancing another man and dropping him. 

He has no time to celebrate, a foot comes crashing into his side. Zuko groans as he stumbles back, feet still steady when they stop. He whips around baring his arms in a defensive stance. They dance around each other. Waiting for someone to attack. 

Zuko doesn’t give in, he has learned to welcome patience into his mind. 

The opponent strikes. Zuko defends, then he attacks.

The Fire Lord could train for hours. He likes the feeling of calm that settles into his body when he’s tired. The ache of his muscles grounds him, makes him feel alive. 

But he stops when all his opponents tap the ground, weary and spent. Zuko bows in return before they walk to their benches. He watches their backs. He’s not tired and he definitely doesn’t want to go back to sitting at his throne just yet. His morning is fairly empty for once. He has the choice of when to return before his meeting in the afternoon, he won’t give it up.

He turns to see Suki, she is watching them from her place by the pillars that line the perimeter. 

“Ogling the combatants?” Zuko teases.

Suki rolls her eyes and shrugs, “I mean it’s not like there’s any impressive fighting going on…”

Zuko quirks an eyebrow as he calls out, “Oh there isn’t?”

“Nope! Not even a second’s worth,” she smirks.

He looks upwards, pretending like he’s mulling over her words before he snaps his head back to her, “Then you’d accept the offer to spar with me?”

Suki’s eyebrows raise against her will. 

“You see, the problem is I’m getting bored of winning."

She snaps out of the surprise easily adopting her confident expression once again, "Oh, don’t you worry, Fire Lord. I can solve your problem very easily.”

Suki unbuckles her scabbard and pulls out one weapon. With a smooth gesture the metal fan slices open into the air. She fans herself as walks over to him. 

“Just that?”

“It’s all I need.”

Suki closes the fan, jabbing the end of it at Zuko’s chest as she raises an eyebrow to challenge him. She watches him for a moment, searching his face— Perhaps to make sure he’s truly well enough to fight her. He stares back.

When Zuko feels he’s breathless after looking into her eyes, she pulls away.

He walks to his place at the end of the courtyard, picks up his sword, and monitors his breath as the sun beats down on his head. He stretches his muscles and cracks his neck, preparing himself. He notices his opponents have sat down at their benches, laughing between themselves as they place bets on who the winner will be. 

Suki bows and Zuko returns the gesture. They take their stances.

The battle begins.

They circle around each other, slowly the space between them decreases as they inch inwards at every step. Suki hasn’t even opened her fan. Zuko watches. 

Eventually they are mere steps away from each other. He looks into her eyes, they glint with mischief. Zuko realizes belatedly that it was a mistake coming so near her, the Kyoshi warriors are experts in close combat.

Suki charges forward, Zuko instinctively pulls his sword to defend his front. But Suki disappears from his vision. 

A fist collides into his back. Zuko spins around and Suki draws her fan up. He pushes his sword forward, Suki blocks it effortlessly. Her fan cements the sword in place with force and Zuko tries his hardest to push back. He is watching her intently, pushing with all his strength. He doesn’t see her hand come up and strike the junction between his neck and shoulder. He groans. They break off.

The Fire Lord’s opponents howl at the sides.

Suki resumes her slightly crouched stance, her fan resting at her side. 

Zuko runs forward this time, Suki dodges him again. He turns, drawing the sword into the air sideways to the right as she’s escapes him again. His weapon clanks against her fan, she pushes it to the left. Zuko drags his sword down, frees it, and slams the handle down on her wrist. Her hand pulls away but the fan doesn’t fall.

Suki doesn’t make a sound. 

He can’t see her in front of him so he makes to shift his body— Suki drives her weapon, jabbing the flat of the fan guard to the back of his neck. He grits his teeth, moving to grab her hand but she pulls it away quick.

“So you’re fast—” he spits out.

The swordsman turns slightly then hauls the sword in a circle, towards her. She grabs his arm, forcing it down with all her strength. She thrusts the guard of her fan at his arm but Zuko doesn’t let the sword go. Her fan comes up to his face. She brings her free hand up, forcing the fan down onto his mouth. She crouches, pulling Zuko to bend backwards with all her power.

“And strong,” she replies.

Light reflects into his eyes from the golden fan. He sinks backwards from the uncomfortable angle. The disarming position makes it too difficult for him to co-ordinate any kind of attack. He is stuck. Her face hovers beside his, her hard breathing coming out and blowing onto his skin. 

“Uh oh… What now, Fire Lord?” Suki’s voice drifts into his right ear.

Zuko drops his sword.

“Mhm, that’s right.”

She releases him.

When Zuko turns to look at her, his heart is hammering in his chest. 

Yells burst throughout the courtyard. One opponent is shouting out cusses at all the others who had bet on Suki’s victory. The majority fight him, threatening him to pay up.

Zuko scoffs. The partners he’d spent a lifetime sparring with had no faith in him.

Suki has her hands on her hips, smirking.

“It’s alright, Zuko,” she coos, “Your job is signing papers, watching over your people and sitting on plush pillows. Mine is supervision, vigilance and combat, day in and out. We’re from two different worlds.”

He almost wishes they weren’t. For a different reason.

Zuko stands and bows to Suki. His warrior is not his match. She is much, much better. 

After their initial brawl, Zuko asks Suki to spar with him again the next day. And the next. And the next. Until he doesn't have to ask anymore. Until it becomes a habit. Until it becomes the part of their routine that they both look forward to most.

It is on the warmest day of the spring yet that Daisuke interrupts them. Today, Zuko chose his dao swords and Suki her katana. When the advisor walks to the courtyard he is greeted with a scene that looks like something from a play. Her sword is trapped between his two blades, the longer part of her weapon extending past his shoulder. They struggle against each other. Zuko and Suki are inches away from each other’s faces, almost sneering from the way their teeth are clenched. 

“My Lord?”

“Just a minute—”

Suki makes use of the distraction. She twists her katana, pulling it out. It cuts the air by Zuko’s ear. She thrusts it down. Zuko blocks with one sword, raising the other and driving it down. Suki pulls her katana out and blocks it. He pushes his right sword forward. Another block. Then his left. She dodges. He propels both his blades to sides of her head. She ducks. He blocks, and tries once more. She dives again. Suki pushes her blade to his front. His right sword clangs against it and he pushes her back. They break apart. He crouches to swipe the blades at her calves. She jumps quicker than he can see. Then he hears her blade slices through the air. It comes down and presses into his shoulder, by his neck.

Their breathes fill the quiet of the courtyard. 

Zuko stares up at her as his lungs strain against his body. The sweat in her hair makes it stick to her face, her chest is heaving and her lips are pressed together. When he looks into her eyes, He thinks he has never seen her look so intimidating. There is fire there. Searing, blue flames in her irises lick at her pupils. But there isn’t anger. No. He knows what looking into the face of anger is like. There is determination. Bold and unrelenting determination. Zuko thinks she is a true warrior, she is stubborn to succeed. And she always will.

Her hand never quivers, the blade still stationary at his shoulder. 

Suki is staring down at him where he is now on his knees. She searches his face for humiliation. For anger. But none of that is there. Zuko’s golden eyes are blown wide open, lips parted and eyebrow raised. She looks harder because she doesn’t understand. This isn’t how losers react. This isn’t how losing men react. It doesn’t make sense what she sees. There is wonder. He isn’t upset he was bested. He doesn’t care that a warrior has brought the Fire Lord to his knees. No. Zuko is looking at her in astonishment. He is in awe of her talent. She thinks he is an anomaly. She questions how she had the pleasure of meeting this anomaly. She also question why it makes her heart beat faster than training usually should.

Zuko drops his dao swords. 

Suki lifts her katana.

She offers him a hand, pulling him up. They bow to each other.

Soft footsteps patter over before Daisuke stops and clears his throat, eyes looking between the two of them. 

“My Lord, there is an urgent message from Ember Island.”

Zuko nods to him, “I’ll see to it immediately, have the scroll placed in my study.”

“Yes, my Lord,” the advisor spares Suki one strange glance before he moves to leave.

She stares back, unwavering. Daisuke looks away first.

He bows to both of them and walks back into the refuge of the palace.

Suki narrows her eyes at his back, “Weird…”

“What?” Zuko asks as they walk over to the benches.

“It’s not important,” Suki mutters as she sheaths her blade.

The letter is short. Zuko’s eyes flit across the scroll in haste and he lets out an exhausted sigh.

Suki looks up to him from her book, it is the one she’d snuck into her quarters after Zuko showed her the library on her very first visit years ago. It details the history on the traditional fighting styles of the Fire Nation, and their relationship to honor. Zuko noticed she’d taken it, even saw her leave with it the first time, but he didn’t bring it up. Somehow, it felt like she was keeping a reminder of him no matter where she went. And Zuko couldn’t bear being forgotten.

“What’s wrong?” she questions, straightening her back.

“The tourism minister is inviting me to Ember Island… ”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“He’s going to waste my time showing me around the island and then ask me for funding. The region took a big hit with the end of the war: the nobles didn’t have time to vacation and everyone else was barely scraping along enough money for their livelihood. He’ll want me to invest some absurd amount, that we can’t afford right now, for the sake of pulling in tourism again.”

He stares at the scroll intently, maybe if he stares at it long enough a solution will come to him. Or the problem will disappear altogether. But it doesn’t.

“You should go.”

Zuko lifts his head in question.

“If you were to visit, you could get a better understanding of what the region needs. They want funding, they’ll undoubtedly show you everything they’re struggling with. He might have a point with tourism, it would certainly owe to helping with economy.”

He frowns, “And when he pushes me for money.”

She continues, “Forget whatever you think he’ll ask for, decide for yourself how much you can invest.”

He nods. 

Suki smirks, casual composure returning, “Sometimes I think I have to remind you you’re the Fire Lord.”

Zuko looks down to his hand letting out an empty laugh, “I guess I’m still the banished prince in my mind.”

“Well then, I’m not sure whether I've come to like the banished prince or the Fire Lord.” 

The smile that was the remnant of his laugh slips away, “I’d rather you like me,” his voice is lower than a whisper.

Suki frowns, humour slipping away, “I do, Zuko.”

Two weeks later, Zuko, Suki and the Kyoshi warriors, along with the immediate staff of the palace, depart for Ember Island and arrive by the afternoon. Zuko is ushered through a handful of preliminary meetings for debriefing. Suki and Ty Lee take the first shift, following him to and fro different rooms in a handful of administrative buildings. Zuko is quiet and observant, listening and making mental notes of all he sees and hears. As the day ends and the night creeps in, they begin their passage to the Fire Lord’s beach house.

The fire bender sits hidden behind silk curtains in his palanquin, eager servants carrying him forward while the warriors walk on guard. Suki takes to the head of the company, walking alongside Ty Lee as she surveys the environment of the island around them. 

“I heard you’ve been training double time,” Ty Lee’s sweet voice curls into the air.

Suki turns to look at her while she tries her hardest to fight off any kind of reaction, “Where did you here that?”

“Suki, you're the leader of the Kyoshi warriors…”

The girl lifts an eyebrow in question.

"We look out for each other."

Suki blinks.

“We spied on you having your little play time with Zuko.”

“It’s training. Like you said— training,” she chokes out.

“Not if you win every time… It’s not like you’re learning anything or getting any better.”

“That’s not true—”

Ty Lee cuts her off, “Kind of useless if you ask me, you’re not getting anything out of it.”

Suki glares.

“Unless you are getting you something out of it,” she tilts her head, smile pushing her cheeks up and making her face look all the rounder.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know,” she pulls her braid forward, toying with it a little, “You tell me what it means. What’s with you and Zuko?”

Suki’s eyes widen, “Nothing!”

Ty Lee nods, “See that tells me there’s definitely something going on.”

“What?” Her voice raises, eyebrows pull together, shoulders tensing.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me right now—”

“Ty Lee, what are you even talking—”

“But I’ll tell you this, you’ll have to be the one to kiss him. He’s kind of shy, y’know? Doesn’t really make the first move—”

This time when Suki shouts it is loud enough to stop the whole group of travellers. 

Ty Lee’s smile has not shifted even a little. She simply walks back to take her position a few steps away, the sound of her feet crunching the dry fallen palm trees leaves resounds in the silence. The other warriors watch in awe: Suki is not one to lose her temper afterall. 

But no, she hasn’t lost her temper. This is different. She looks… flustered?

Suki glares at the warriors and they divert their eyes. 

When the leader turns to look behind her, she realizes she’s made a mistake.

Zuko’s hand pushes one of the light curtains aside and he peeks out. Countless stray hairs are falling out of his top knot, the weariness of the day’s travels and work shows on his face. His eyebrow is raised as he looks to Suki.

“Is everything alright?”

Despite her best efforts, Ty Lee’s words drift into her head. Her eyes search his and then drop to his—

“Yes,” she snaps her head forward.

She calls for everyone to resume their travel. Her eyes burn into a point in front of her that doesn’t exist. When his face crawls in her mind, his soft cheeks and concerned expression, she blinks furiously, cracking her neck to refocus. She isn’t sure what she’s focusing on. She needs some sort of distraction. Or some kind of ability to empty her mind. She thinks that next time they meet, she’ll ask Aang to teach her to meditate. There is too much chaos in her mind as of late.

Zuko’s third day is filled with much of the same monotony: attending several meetings and calculating figures in his head. However this time they negotiate funds that would be sufficient for the region. It seems the minister could not wait longer than a day to bring the proposition to the Fire Lord’s attention. Now, they sit finalizing their figures with the scribes. 

The minister seems more than elated, which is quite a feat for a bureaucrat.

The young ruler had decided to invest equal parts into tourism and the arts that thrived in the region. He had also devised a plan for the week long Festival of Dragons, another forgotten tradition, to be held at Ember Island this year. Following the Fire Lord for the ceremonial first day would be dozens of nobles and ministers eager to please him, bringing with them families. Families would talk. And the success of that day would urge more visitors that are keen to spend a summer abroad. Zuko plans to invite masses of ambassadors of other nations, in hopes of making the island a global tourist hub. 

This final meeting of the day is much shorter than any of the others and soon enough the minister and the Fire Lord are standing at the entrance of the door, bidding their good bye’s to one another. As he nods to the Kyoshi warriors at their post near the door, they begin their journey home.

When they reach the beach house, Zuko looks around. Eyeing the coast and then the path to the courtyard before he walks inside.

The two Kyoshi warriors share a look between each other before one of them speaks.

“Fire Lord Zuko, Suki is visiting the market, she should be returning soon.

The other warrior adds in quickly, “It’s her shift next, she’s never late.”

He turns to them, blinking, “Oh. Um.”

They watch him plainly, almost daring him to deny that he was looking for her.

“Thank you.”

Zuko spends the remainder of his afternoon at the veranda, asking for a table and his immediate work to be brought outside. He has changed into more comfortable clothing, free of the restricting formal robes that are all but required at every meeting. He works from his spot under the shelter, looking away from his scrolls occasionally to the stone steps and then back to his papers. 

When Zuko notices the dark clouds looming overhead he feels uneasy. Storms typically begin at this time in spring and can be exceptionally dangerous. He watches the foliage that covers the path at the end of the stone steps. Leaves bristle together in the wind, another sign of a storm.

In minutes, the rain begins. Zuko’s hand clenches into a fist at his side. He wants so badly to drop everything and rush to the market. But he feels frozen in place. And lost. How could he explain a sudden need to go check on Suki. He couldn't possibly ask anyone else to go after her. But he knows he can't let her be given up to the elements of a foreign land.

Time is ticking, the water picks up its speed and the winds start to howl. Dread sets in.

But then he sees her and he can breathe again.

He jumps to his feet. The women on guard snap their head his way from the sudden movement, they follow his eyes and they see Suki. 

But she isn’t making her way toward them. She emerges from the long path and stands, back turned, as she looks to the coast in front of the home. Zuko thinks she is entranced by the waves that have begun to rage. After long moments that are like torture for Zuko, she finally leaves the coast behind her. She jogs up the numerous stone steps. One hand holds a small bag to her side and the other attempts to cover her head from the downpour. The rain hits her relentlessly and it does nothing to help the fact that she is already soaked from her long pause in the sand.

She reaches the top, dripping onto the dry wood and smiling regardless.

“Suki!”

She turns, noticing him standing with tight fists that finally loosen. She looks to the other warriors watching them and then back to him.

“Fire Lord Zuko?”

He wants to say something desperately, she can see it in the way his mouth is parted as his eyes search her face. Finally, he sighs and looks away.

“Tropical storms are very unsafe. It’s good that you’re back before it worsens.”

One of the warriors steals a glance to other, biting back a smile.

Suki nods slowly, “I see.”

They are frozen in place on the veranda, neither moving or speaking for what feels like uncomfortably long. The sound of droplets escaping her clothes and falling to the wood decorates the atmosphere between them. Her hand fiddles with the bag at her side, as she watches him. He looks the life of him had been pulled out and then shoved back into his body. 

One of the Kyoshi warriors breaks, a giggle slipping from her mouth. Zuko blinks looking away as he wills down a blush.

“Please,” he gestures to the sliding doors, “You should dry off so you don’t get sick.”

Suki gives him a small smile and leaves. 

That night in the Kyoshi warriors’ quarters, Suki endures much more teasing than she thinks she could ever imagine. She blames Ty Lee for it all. Then she blames Sora and Miu, the twins who make it their business to recount the happenings on the veranda as an epic love story. After the first hour of ceaseless jokes at her expense, she pushes up from her sleeping spot, grabs a number of her things and pushes out of the room. For a second the women watch the shut sliding door. Then all at once, laughs erupt at her silent outburst and they echo through the house.

Zuko feels sleepless. He thinks about this afternoon only. It replays in his mind over and over. And he realizes why he feels so upset. Suki has not seen Kyoshi Island in months. The sea is the only thing in this tropical nation that is identical to her home. She is homesick. And Zuko knows what it feels like to miss home, he had felt it for three years straight. And that illness would make you do anything in the world to go back, even chase an avatar that hasn’t been seen in one hundred years.

He leaves his bed and he hopes to all the spirits he can name that Suki is still awake.

He walks softly through the beach house to check her quarters. The warriors look between themselves in silence, as he looks through the room. He resolves to ask the warriors her whereabouts. Ty Lee happily answers him as the rest of the women simply smile, leaning over to each other and whispering. He notices that when he makes his way out that there is an eruption of laughter and loud jeering behind the thin walls. 

When he finds her, Suki is sitting in the middle of the courtyard, hair left open and swaying in the winds. She’s sharpening her katana, the clinking sound of thin metal gliding over stone cuts through the air. Her face is focused and her posture is straight. Even surrounded by the complete silence and tranquility, Suki is ready at a moment’s notice to jump up and defend herself. 

As he watches her, a smile curls Zuko’s lips up before he can help it.

He walks towards her where she sits at the rim of the fountain and stops just one step away. The stinging sound of the sword slicing the air stops. She looks up.

“Why’re you awake?”

“Just patrolling.”

Suki raises an eyebrow as she teases, “Patrolling? I thought that was my job.”

Zuko shakes his head, “Don’t you know Ember Island forces a spell on you?”

“A spell?” Suki smiles through the bizarreness of it all.

“A spell,” Zuko repeats.

“So has this spell turned the beloved Fire Lord into a guard?”

“Perhaps,” Zuko reaches forward slowly, leaning over as he moves to grab the katana and the stone from Suki’s hands, their fingers brush. 

Suki face softens, the teasing look melting away from her face instantly when she sees the golden in his eyes flicker like matches. He watches her, not yet pulling away. She thinks she’s frozen. They stay like that for a minute, memorizing the swirls in the other's eyes like they could melt into them.

Finally, Zuko moves. The items in her lap are placed aside.

Then, he bows lowly, one hand coming out towards Suki. She blinks at it. Like she’s still stunned in place.

“What—”

“Tonight,” Zuko lifts his head to watch her with earnest eyes, the matches are growing into fires now, “Let me escort you. To the sea.”

Suki’s heart is clambering. 

And despite all the questions she has in her mind — for him, for herself — she takes his hand.

Zuko stands, his hand tightens around hers.

He pulls her through the courtyard, through the large rooms of the beach house, and down the stone stairs. It feels like mere seconds pass while the world flits by her in a flurry. He’s almost running as he tugs her along, like he’s worried if he takes too long she’ll change her mind. 

Finally, the beach greets her. Zuko slows. The moon is glowing heavenly light onto the coast, making for an otherworldly sight. The sea reflects the moon’s weak rays on top of a dark abyss that pushes and pulls under the spirit’s command. Short waves crash onto the sand, and when the two stop they are close enough for the cold foam to tickle their ankles.

The sounds drift into her ears, stirring memories that span her whole life on Kyoshi Island. And if she closes her eyes, she can smell the salt in the air. She can hear wind howling as it pushes the tide onto shore. She can feel the air blow her hair away from her face. 

It almost feels like home. It feels like Zuko brought her home.

Her eyes snap downwards. 

Zuko’s hand is still holding hers.

Suki pulls it away gently.

He looks to her. 

She pretends she doesn’t feel bad for it. 

Eventually, they break away from their spot and begin walking the shore line. They walk close enough for their hands to bump, for them to jerk away and apologize. But they always return to the same proximity, shoulders almost brushing. Soft footprints press into the sand side by side, documenting their time here. She wishes the waves wouldn’t wash their marks away, but she isn’t sure why. 

As they approach the end of the coast, they see large sea rocks in an array of sizes littering the end, stretching out to the water. Zuko jogs forward, climbing a large boulder and waiting for Suki. She fumbles slightly but Zuko pulls her up to his side. Then, he asks her to follow him. 

He steps over to another rock, wedging his foot in a crevice and bringing the rest of his body forward. He waits for Suki again. She searches for seaweed and wet surfaces before she steps. Climbing slowly, boulder after boulder, she reaches the tallest rock with him finally. They walk over the stone slowly and then sit at the edge facing the large body of water.

Suki breaks the silence.

“I used to be terrified of the sea.”

Zuko laughs.

“Hey!”

“You live on an island…” he says through his giggles.

“Exactly! Can you imagine all the water everywhere… What that did to me as a kid?”

He shakes his head, smiling as he watches the slow movements of push and pull.

“Listen, I couldn’t swim and there were always all these awful stories of people coming back with jellyfish burns and squids stuck on their legs. It’s trauma, is what it is.”

Zuko muffles another laugh.

“If you make even one more sound, I swear I’ll push you to the rocks.”

“Well, you wouldn’t be doing a very good job as my guard then, would you?”

“I’m not your warrior tonight, remember? That’s you.”

Zuko smiles, “Yes, that’s right."

“Tonight I’m the Fire Lady.”

His smile drops.

Suki eyes widen.

Zuko chokes on his spit.

She clears her throat and pulls her gaze back to the ocean, “Anyway — I learned to swim after all.”

“Who taught you?”

“I did.”

Her hands clench at her sides, scratching at the rock.

“I taught myself to swim. All by myself. For just myself. Not because anyone made me. Not because everyone else could.”

Zuko is still watching her, listening closely to every word.

“First, I made myself the sea’s enemy. Even if it tried to kill me, by infiltrating my lungs or freezing me or smashing me against rocks, I wouldn’t give in. I would never relent. A warrior doesn’t submit when she still has power. The mindset is the first step to success."

He watches her narrowed eyes trace the foamy water metres below them, like she is angry, spiteful even.

“When I knew I resolved not to fail, I faced my enemy. I was beaten, and tossed and pushed around every time. But I kept trying. I kept denying defeat. I kept going to war until I won. Until I could brace myself against waves and swim for hours. Until I could stand in front of the water and laugh in its face.”

She smirks now, a glint in her eyes.

“I claimed victory. And then the sea submitted to the warrior.”

Zuko thinks she is the strongest person he knows.

The wind howls between them, forceful and cold. They watch the world around them, unbothered by the forces of nature that work to deter the two. 

Zuko turns his head to the right to see the beach house. It looms in the distance, standing tall in opulence while it houses bittersweet memories of his childhood. But slowly come the images of his time with Aang, Sokka, Katara, Toph and Suki. And then come the thoughts of this trip, of waiting on the veranda for Suki and watching her in the courtyard in moonlight. He hopes that the next time he comes to Ember Island, the first thing he will remember is Suki’s courageous tale. He looks to her then.

Her eyes drift across the long palm trees that dot the edges of the coast and whose leaves sway and rustle in the breeze. She closes her eyes, picturing Kyoshi Island. The beach is so similar, but the trees are all wrong here. They should be taller, a different species and thinner. She wonders if she’ll ever return to her beach and if she’ll remember this night when she sits at the coast miles away from here.

Suki turns to him. 

“What are you afraid of, Zuko?”

He looks at her, eyes wide. He shakes his head quickly, looking away.

“Come on, I shared. Now you have to, too.”

Zuko frowns in disgust as the words burn his tongue, “I don’t have a good story. I haven’t conquered any of my fears.”

Her brows furrow together, “That doesn’t matter to me.”

Zuko scowls, staring down at his hands. He doesn’t want her to know how cowardly he is. How he always succumbs to his worse thoughts. How he is a victim to his mind. How he has suffered at the hands of his psyche for longer than he can recall any kind of calm. He is weak, he knows that. But he doesn’t want Suki to know it.

“I’m sorry, you don't have to say.”

He flinches when he hears it. There it is: pity. And Zuko hates that more than being vulnerable.

The words tumble out of his mouth, “I’m afraid of becoming my father.”

Suki’s face softens. She shakes her head slowly, “You won’t.”

“No,” Zuko tries his hardest to articulate his words, “Not just in the sense of war. I mean everything about him. His cruelty, his pride, his temper, all of it. I don’t want to be like him."

Suki has to lean closer now to see his face. He is bent over, arms folded at his waist tightly like he’s resisting the urge to hug himself for stability. 

Zuko huffs out a breath, “I don’t want to hurt the people I love.”

Suki’s heart clenches. 

“And you won’t. The fact that you can recognize his flaws means you won’t.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do.”

“I’m his son.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“It means a lot. Azula is just like him.”

“But you’re not Azula. And you’re not your father. You care. And you listen. And you help. And you love.”

Her words hurt him.

They bite at his heart like vipers because he knows that’s not who he is. Even when he cares, it’s not enough. And when he listens, he doesn’t know how best to console afterwards. And when he helps, there is always more he could have done. And when he loves— 

He sighs.

Zuko decides he doesn’t want to fight Suki. He won’t act like his father. He won’t pick an argument. He won’t make her angry. He doesn’t want to hurt her.

“Then I guess it’s an irrational fear,” he dryly laughs out in defeat. There is no emotion in what he says.

Suki swallows.

They don’t speak after that. 

The crashing of the waves fills Zuko’s ears, almost like they are furious with him. The winds pull the waves high, like they are reaching to him to bring forth his punishment, before they smash onto the sand. The tall trees lean and creak like they want to crawl over to him and pull him down to the rocks so he may feel the pain he causes others.

He feels upset. This sudden bout of unhappiness and anger is familiar. It reminds him of his years banished from his nation. He hates everything about it. And he hates himself more for ruining the night for Suki. He couldn't help but sour the salty sea air she loved. He burnt the fragile peace to cinders. He tried his best, and just as he should have known, it was not good enough. 

But she doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t tell him she’d like to go back. No. She sits and watches the sea, sparing Zuko a glance every few moments but quickly looking away again when their eyes meet. 

Zuko hopes that she can still feel comforted by the sounds of water. He hopes the winds are just the right speed like they are at Kyoshi Island. He hopes the palm trees and flora don’t distract her from thinking of her home. He hopes her night isn’t tarnished beyond repair.

If Suki wanted, Zuko would spend his whole life watching the sea with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was my first time writing action scenes so feedback is greatly appreciated!
> 
> as always, thank you for reading and please let me know your thoughts in the comments!!


	5. the breaking

The return to court is no more relaxing than the departure. Almost as soon as Zuko has stepped in to his chambers Daisuke quickly shuffles around him reading out countless letters accumulated over the past five days. He runs through the names of different ambassadors and foreign ministers who are urgently requesting to meet with the Fire Lord. Zuko busies himself as servants begin to change him out of travelling attire and into layers of clothing fit for the ruler’s formal appearances. The advisor continues streaming out the history all of the happenings within the court as his assistant hands him more scrolls.

Finally, he stops and breathes. Then he looks to the Fire Lord.

“My Lord, your majesty should be expecting a most important guest by the week’s end.”

Zuko looks to him, unmoving so as not to disturb the servants now working to retie his hair into his topknot, “Who is it?”

“His majesty, King Kuei of the Earth Kingdom’s cousin, accompanied by a few ambassadors.”

“I see. An unexpected visit is it not? It’s been barely a month since his ambassadors arrived on account of negotiating the business of the colonies. I thought the matter was settled.”

“I do believe it is settled, My Lord.”

Zuko turns, confusion apparent on his face, “Then?”

“Perhaps, My Lord,” Daisuke gives a slightly abashed smile, looking only to the ground, “It is to introduce you to her majesty, Princess Hua.”

Zuko looks at him dumbly, blinking. After a moment with no response he speaks, “Well of course we’d be introduced if she should come to the palace but that isn’t a reason to come all the way here is it?”

Daisuke shakes his head, “Forgive me, my Lord, I was not clear. Perhaps, King Kuei intends for your meeting with the princess to lend itself for the sake of good relations between the two nations.”

The ruler’s blank expression has not changed.

The advisor continues a bit more bluntly, “For courtship, my Lord.”

Zuko’s browns scrunch together.

“For marriage.”

The realization finally dawns on his face.

“Oh. I see.”

Princess Hua is nothing if not enthusiastic. The day of her arrival she stares around the palace with wide green eyes as Zuko graces her with a tour, as advised by Daisuke. Her long brown hair bounces as she turns quickly from place to place and questions the species of every flower in the gardens, the names of every Fire Lord in every tapestry she sees, and the whereabouts of every island that she says she’s read about. At the welcoming banquet, she watches with pursed lips and stuffed cheeks as Zuko eats, observing the foreign dishes and mimicking his movements. During the day, she spends much of her time ignoring the advances of the too-young ambassador that had arrived with her. And during the night she is always around the corner, slipping in to have dinner with Zuko.

He thinks if he were to describe her he would say she is animated. Larger than life is the way she brightens up at every remark Zuko makes. Overly impressed is the reaction when he mentions his menial tasks of the day after she spends all of their meal prying conversation out of him. He would say she is remarkable, for her confidence is so great that she presents no hesitation when she leans in close as ever as he speaks, or when she locks her arm around his in the halls, or even when she trails his fingers across his hand when he’s recounting Fire Nation lore she had questioned after.

Zuko does not notice it, but what is most surprising about Princess Hua is that all the energy of her spirit seems to drain immediately once the Fire Lord’s back is turned and her face turns to Suki. Her eyes are sharp and her gaze is pointed. There isn’t any malice, but that fact escapes the Kyoshi warrior.

Suki wants badly to narrow her eyes or confront her in response, but she knows from her time at the palace that members of the court fight in different ways than the battlefield. And so Suki simply turns and lifts her chin, watches the princess from the corner of her eye, and moves forward to take her place in step with Zuko. When the princess smiles at the action, it is so quick before it disappears that no one catches it.

It is on a night that Princess Hua has particularly irked Suki with her observing eyes that the Kyoshi warrior decides she will lie to Zuko for the first time.

She does not leave when her shift has ended. Instead, she hides in the shadows, behind the curtains that lead to the balcony, and listens to conversations whispered in the dark.

Princess Hua sounds much different tonight, gone is the high pitch and the airy nature of her voice that should show her royal blood line. She speaks with monotony that Suki doesn’t recognize.

“Excuse my words, Fire Lord Zuko, but I do hope you are not so dense as to misunderstand the purpose of my visit,” she waits for a moment, “And if you are, it is marriage.”

A beat of silence passes in which Suki wonders how the excitable woman from the Earth Kingdom became so blunt and the man she’s known to be the most flustered and awkward had absolutely no reaction to her words.

“No. I’m completely aware.”

Princess Hua looks away from the expanse of land beyond the balcony railing. Stretched out beneath them is the large royal gardens with its lush flora and fauna. Everything is still as not a hint of wind blows. The turtle duck pond does not glisten tonight.

“And?”

“I’m not sure how to politely decline.”

Suki blinks, she realizes her eyes have been blown wide since the conversation started.

The princess lets out a laugh, it is one of relief.

“Well for that I’m glad.”

Zuko finally reacts, whipping his head around, “Glad?”

“Oh, yes. I hope that you won’t be offended but I have no intention of marrying you.”

He shakes his head, “No, I’m glad too. But…” He tries to search for the right words, “Do you have a choice?”

She shrugs in response before sighing, and Suki almost forgets she was raised in a palace, “Not really. As you know, we royals are never _forced_ to do much, rather ‘kindly’ advised. And to keep control and good relations we follow that advice. I played my part in the public eye and I just silently hoped you’d follow your heart’s path to your lover instead of giving in for the sake of an alliance.”

Zuko’s eyebrow shoots up, “My what?”

She laughs again, this time much more heartily. When she stops and turns to watch the serene landscape below them without responding to him, the fire bender speaks again.

“What does that mean?”

She shakes her head, smiling, “Nothing at all.”

Zuko drops it, if only so he doesn’t have to force his own mind to search through the number of people at his court who the princess could have mistaken for his _lover_ of all things.

“I don’t think King Kuei will be happy to here of a rejection.”

“That’s why I’ll have to adopt the behaviour of a spoilt princess. I’ll throw a fit for the ambassadors to report on. Something about how it’s much too hot here, how the food is too spicy, the land is too small. Maybe I’ll even slip in how stoic and dour you are…” She teases, a childish grin spread across her face.

He nods in response, smiling back, “Yes, I think that will do it.”

The two royals look out over the balcony once again, towards the moon peaking through the murky clouds.

Suki leaves then, satisfied with the conversation she had spied on. She isn’t sure why but she belatedly thinks she was hoping for Zuko to justify himself. To say _why_ he wasn’t interested. But she shoves the thoughts away.

Zuko, alone in the balcony an hour later, ponders over the reasoning himself. And when it comes to him, he is all but patient for King Kuei’s cousin to return home.

The night after the princess’ departure is filled with an amount of relief so great that Zuko almost feels bad. But finally, after a long week of keeping up face and being the most gentleman he could, the seemingly endless charade is over.

As Suki walks him out of his study, the palace barely stirs in the late hours past midnight. An extensive amount of paperwork has kept him at his desk for the majority of the evening and once he leaves the bureaucracy behind he notices everyone has retired to their beds. Not one sound can be heard besides their footsteps and the slow brush of leaves in the light breeze as they pass the gardens.

It is here that Zuko stops.

“Suki?”

She stops, and looks to him, her shining blue eyes blinking away the slightest bit of weariness, “Yes, Zuko?”

“Would you like to have tea?”

She smiles, heart fluttering. Then nods.

Within minutes, two chairs and a small table are set in the royal garden. Zuko dismisses the servants, choosing to brew the tea himself. He searches his mind for the memories of Iroh’s detailed instructions from their time at The Jasmine Dragon. He feels that he can’t mess up this time.

He conjures a flame in the palm of his hand and heats the teapot of water. Slowly the temperature rises and the water begins to boil.

Suki is watching him, eyes attentive as always as she rests her head in her hand. She is entranced by the small fire. It looks so different from the flashes he spits out in training or when he’s under attack. It glows, lighting their faces that are hunched over the small table. It is delicate and sweet, like candlelight.

Zuko can feel her gaze on him but he can’t bring himself to meet it.His flame flickers under the pressure. Her head tilts to follow it’s movement as it leans before it is extinguished. In the dark, illuminated only by moonlight, she looks up to his eyes.

He opens the small ceramic bowl on the table and dips his head to smell the blend of tea.

He almost chokes. Licorice root and earl grey… An aphrodisiac.

He cannot believe the audacity of his servants.

But he can’t bring himself to react, not when Suki is watching so intently. He wants to make sure he doesn’t ruin another quiet night with her.

And so the silence envelopes them for the duration of the long hour of tea brewing and then drinking. Neither looks away from the other. Between his sips, he sees her watching him, his hand twitches.

It is so dark he can barely make out her enrapturing beauty. He swallows and then ignites a small flame once again to see her better.

Suki’s eyes trace the lines on his knuckles. Then her vision drags up to his wrist, then his arms cloaked in thick expensive fabric, then the sharp lines of his neck and jaw. When she finally meets his face she observes the way the warm radiance of his flame makes his golden eyes look like honey.

She notices then, exactly how sharp his scarred eye is: even with his gaze blown wide while he watches her, his left eye is restricted. The skin around it is marred and even with all the years it had to heal, it is far from looking healthy. Rage and sadness bubble in her throat. She knows this kind of evil and she hates that she knows that humanity has it within itself to be so cruel to a child, their _own_ child.

And it pains her to think how Zuko has to live with the reminder of a monster, even when that monster is locked and rotting away. A monster that still scares him and burns him, just in different ways. Mental rather than physical. But just as permanent.

Her nails scratch at the sides of her teacup when she feels her eyes burn. He catches it. She pulls her gaze away.

Zuko sighs.

She panics. She doesn’t want him to think she’s disgusted by his scar.

“I miss the sea.”

He blinks, “Oh.”

“The beach at Ember Island… It’s all I can think about. It reminds me of home.”

Just like always, he nods and waits for her to continue. Never interrupting, always patient.

“It’s so beautiful, Zuko. Everything about Kyoshi is beautiful,” her eyes fall shut as she pictures her home, “The most luscious forests, most humongous mountains, most clear water, most sweet scent, most charming villages.”

He smiles.

“I remember when I first started training to be a warrior, I finally began to appreciate the beauty of our island. The early morning laps were tiring but every time I wanted to stop, the tall trees cheered for me to keep going. The colossal formations of rock that stand in all their pride miles away would show me their strength and inspired me. Everything about the island affirms fortitude, energy and persistence.”

“I wish I could see it all again.”

His last visit, so many years ago, did nothing to cement the island in his memory. He was blinded by anger and desperation.

In the future, he hopes to see it for what it truly is. Perhaps Suki will take him one day.

“Me too.”

Their night is spent in hushed conversation between sips of tea. They are quiet like they’re afraid of prying ears trying to steal from the intimacy of their private moment. Zuko likes it, the serenity that encompasses them while they hide away from the world under moonlight. He feels like he wouldn’t want to share these perfect moments with anyone else.

Their nightly escapes for shared tea become routine. Even when they’re both blinking away immense fatigue from the day, they’re insistent to not pass up the chance to bask in the comfort of the other’s presence.

On one such night, somewhere down the line of conversation, they reach the topic of first loves.

“It was Mai,” it comes out as an almost whisper, but it is light. He no longer has any discomfort talking about his failed relationship with her.

Suki nods slowly, looking down to watch the tea in her cup swirl as she stirs her teaspoon.

“But the more I think… I realize I only _thought_ I loved her that way.”

Her brows scrunch, “What do you mean?”

His brows furrow together as he thinks, “I didn’t… I didn’t have friends growing up. Mai and Ty Lee, they’re Azula’s friends. Or were, I guess,” he sighs, “I think when we were set up together… I was so happy to have just one person — one friend— that I was content to be in whatever a relationship meant for a child. And as we grew up, we found our differences and it didn’t work. I knew it, but we kept trying, we kept forcing ourselves to keep that relationship alive.

“And I know now that I kept going back because I was afraid to lose someone who really cared about me. I couldn’t drive someone else away from me. Not when I had so few left.”

Suki’s hand comes over to his, squeezing tightly. He breathes out slowly, eyes falling shut.

A minute later she pulls her hand away and gone is the comfort. His eyes flick open.

“First loves are almost always too childish and painful to appreciate fondly,” she gives a sad smile, eyes meeting his.

He lets a small smirk pull onto his face, “I can’t imagine anyone breaking your heart and making it out alive.”

That draws out a wide smile on her face, she rolls her eyes at his words, “Well, you’d be surprised to know that I wasn’t born a Kyoshi Warrior…”

He widens his eyes, sarcasm dripping from his voice, “No! Really?”

She huffs out a little laugh before her mood turns a little more somber, “There was a boy… when I was about thirteen, I think. We would spend all our time together, neglecting responsibilities and pretending like we were on top of the world. It was nice, for the most part.”

She grimaces, looking down to her cup.

“But?” he asks, after a long while of silence.

“But I was so worried all the time about what he thought of me — of how I looked. He had a habit of talking about the other girls in our town, saying they were slimmer or more womanly or more delicate. I would always be so conscious about myself then, always wondering whether he chose me because I was better or because I was the only one that gave him the time of day.”

“Suki…” his brows are scrunched up, annoyance littered on his face.

"Eventually, I left him. He was sneaking off with another girl and when I questioned it he said it was because she was ‘prettier’,” she lets out a strained laugh before she chews at the inside of her cheek, “I think I decided then that I wasn’t ‘pretty’ and I didn’t want to be. It was the year I started training too, I learnt that being strong and building my physical, mental and emotional armour was more important…”

She looks up, swallowing back the nervousness in her stomach from revealing so much to him.

Zuko frowns as he searches her eyes, “No.”

Suki quirks an eyebrow, “What?”

“He was wrong. I hope you know he was wrong,” His grip tights on the handle of his cup, heat leaving his palm, making the dark liquid bubble.

“What?” Suki questions again.

He stares for a moment before he speaks, “You’re beautiful, Suki. You’re beautiful.”

The confusion from Suki’s face slips away, her eyes burn but she tries her hardest to blink the feeling away. Her breath catches in her throat and she’s not sure what to say. Her mouth feels dry. She doesn’t know how to sort her thoughts anymore. He’s staring back at her intently, like he desperately needs her to understand this.

She shakes her head.

Suki breathes out a weak laugh, “It-It’s nothing. You don’t have to be so serious. It’s just a dumb story from my childhood.”

“That’s when it hurts the most,” Zuko says. He’s still watching, he looks more sad than Suki can ever recall.

Unconsciously, her eyes are drawn to his scar. It is still as red and marred as when they first met and every time after that. But this time, with the weight of his words on her mind, it tugs at her heart.

She wonders how many times Zuko has been hurt in ways that don’t leave marks.

She smiles to him, “I hope you know it too, Zuko. That you’re beautiful inside and out.”

Zuko pursed lips fall apart.

He wants to believe her so badly. He wants to believe that he doesn’t look like a monster, that there is good in his heart.

But he knows himself. He knows he has been burned to look like the devil. He knows that when he first meets someone they fight back the instinct to flinch at his scar and then ineffectively try even harder not to focus on it. He knows that he isn’t a face to fall in love with. And he knows the mistakes he’s made span years of his life and have accumulated into mountains of sin. He knows that no matter the good he can do it will never be enough. He knows that he can never please everyone.

But when he looks into her eyes, blue and bright and eager, he believes her.

He is beautiful.

Another night comes to greet them as they lay side by side in the gardens on a cloth of gold. Silver moonlight spills over them while they watch the stars, stomachs warm with the tea they’ve just finished.

Suki points to her favourite constellations. She tells him that those were the ones that always led her home when she’d run away.

Zuko asks why and for a moment Suki wants to close herself off, she thinks that it would be better not to share the memories that have plagued her mind her whole life. But she tilts her head to meet his eyes, golden and swirling with genuine concern.

She gives in. Because it feels so safe.

She shifts, sitting up in place. He follows her.

“My mother passed away in childbirth.”

A breath leaves his lips and he looks away, sadness crawling onto his face.

“My father blamed me. He hated me ever since I was born because it was my fault— my fault the love of his life was gone,” her eyes drift away from him, only because she thinks that looking at him will make her choke up and spill the water forming in her eyes, “I would try to stay outside of the house as much as possible, distract myself and pretend that maybe my life wasn’t so awful. And on worse days, I would run. But I was too weak to run away permanently— He hurt me, a lot.”

Zuko’s eyes snap to her and they burn as he watches her, anger rising in his chest.

“And an untrained girl can only last so long by herself… I realized later that if I wanted to leave I had to learn to fight, to protect myself. That was when I joined the Kyoshi Warriors. Training was easy, fighting came as second nature to me. But their lessons and morals that were drilled into my head, those were the difficulties I faced. And even when I did so well physically, I was held back by our master because I was not mentally adequate. I had no sense of co-operation or unity, I knew only self-preservation. I was selfish.”

He shakes his head quickly, “You weren’t selfish for wanting to escape your situation.”

“No, you don’t understand. I was training to be a _Kyoshi Warrior_. And that means to sacrifice your life for the women who would do the same for you. I planned to leave as soon as I graduated training. But there is no such thing as abandon or desertion. You can’t steal the knowledge your master bestows upon you and leave your warriors behind. It is like betrayal.”

He frowns, still unsure of how to feel.

“And it was good I think, that I was stubborn enough to stay. Because I was forced to learn teamwork and generosity. Eventually, I learned vulnerability too,” she meets his eyes, finally, “I gained a family then. I had people who truly loved me, for the first time… I finally had something to run for, not _from_.”

Zuko’s heart aches then, turmoil swirling in his stomach as he searches her eyes. He hates to think of it, every horrible thing that she has had to live through. But most of all, he has the strongest urge to make sure nothing or no one can ever hurt her again. That no power in the universe would have the strength to strike her with misfortune. He won’t have it.

He can’t lose her no matter what.

“I hope you never run from me,” he speaks, voice barely a whisper.

Her heart beats uncomfortably hard, “I think I wouldn’t know how to run from you. I think my heart would stop my body before I’d make it very far.”

He sucks in a sharp breath. Mind running a million miles as her words repeat in his mind a million more times.

Her expression softens, frown melting into a sad smile. Her hand comes out to his, fingers brushing together as her warm skin meets his. She glances down and then looks back to him.

He feels like he is frozen — that he might even be dreaming — when he sees her lean in slightly.

Her heart is working so fast she thinks her mind might burst, nervousness fills her gut like the moments proceeding battle. But this isn’t battle— she reminds herself— this is something that should be easier. So much easier. But she is more terrified than ever.

Blue eyes pin him into place, watching him as she draws closer and Zuko can feel the panic overtaking his body. Because he wants this, he wants _her_ so badly. He knows it.

But he shouldn’t. He can’t.

Sokka is one of his best friends. Sokka has saved his life more times than he can count. And Sokka is the one who has been silently suffering for months on end. Sokka has hid his emotions away, even from his friends, in favour of others. Sokka is lost and in agony.

Zuko can’t hurt him anymore than he already has been.

Suki’s lips are barely a hair’s breadth away from his.

Zuko pulls away, clenching his eyes shut as he snaps his head in the other direction.

Her hand shifts out of his touch.

The silence between them feels poisoned. The air is no longer sweet and calming, it is sour anddistressful.

He stands up first, still not meeting her eyes.

“It’s late, Suki. We’re tired.”

She doesn’t answer, and he can’t see how she reacts because his eyes are burning a hole into the ground.

“Good night,” he says anyway.

She hears his footsteps pad away, light and soft but they still crush her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i go ahead and make up all of suki's backstory because she never had that development? yes sir!
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter, please do let me know your thoughts in the comments !!


	6. the falling

Zuko can admit it now, he has fallen in love with Suki.

For all the times he’s forced his stubborn heart to douse these feelings, for the sake of Sokka, he can finally acknowledge it. He wasn’t strong enough to resist his foolish soul. He was a bad friend— he thinks it must be an achievement to be so awful at so many things.

Untrustworthy friend, naive king, disappointing son.

Now he must atone for his sins.

The next night, Zuko copes as he always does: drowning himself in work from morning till twilight. He should be so thankful that there is never a shortage of paperwork and disputes that need to be read, signed, or advised for. It has kept him busy all day, holed away in his office where he is not to be disturbed by anyone. Every few hours he hears shuffling outside the door as the Kyoshi warriors switch shifts or councilmen arrive with letters, the warriors don’t make to inform him of any of these happenings as they otherwise would. He is grateful, but he knows it means Suki has put them up to it. He isn’t sure what to think.

It is _much_ later, when the stars are close to being chased away by the sun, that there are three sharp knocks that land on his door. He jumps slightly in his chair, having almost dozed in the middle of reading a particularly lengthy report on the progression of the situation in the colonies.

“Yes?” He answers back.

Suki stands at the door as it creaks open, taking numbered strides into the room before stopping, “It’s quite late, I should show you to your room. Daisuke informed us you have a meeting tomorrow morning.”

Zuko meets her eyes for a second but the surge in his heart forces him to look away.

“Right.”

He stands and follows her out.

Suki can’t help but to think back to the night before, her brows furrow as she focuses her gaze forward in the dark hallway. He pulled away so sharply, rushed out without another word, avoided her all day and night after.

She wonders if he will ever invite her to tea again. Surely her misunderstanding should not drive a wedge between their whole relationship. She isn’t stupid, she got the hint— if you could even call it that, it was very blunt. She wouldn’t pursue him anymore, why would he think otherwise?

As they reach his grand golden chamber doors, she makes to open them for him as she always does. But his hand grasps the handle before her.

Her eyes snap to his, but he is only staring down at the handle.

A moment passes and Suki blinks away what she assumes is the most stupid look on her face. She returns her hand to her side. Zuko opens the door and walks in.

The door slams shut in her face a second later.

Her heart sinks.

_Stay outside._

That is what she hears.

_Don’t come near me._

Is what crawls into the back of her mind.

He doesn’t trust her to stand guard inside anymore? What must he think of her? What if—

She shakes her head, turning around and assuming her stance, chin held high and lips pursed.

_I understand._

Zuko lies awake thinking about the personal hell that he’s fuelled himself. Inviting her to tea, training with her, pouring his heart out on ocean rocks in the dead of night. He has caused this. He has sucked her into the mess he is. He doesn’t understand what there is in him that she could possibly ever like, what could be so good about him that she would dare to make such a bold move at him.

No— that is just Suki. Always confident, always strong, always fearless. She has never backed down in a battle, never said an escape was hopeless, never submitted to anything or anyone. Moving in for a kiss must be child’s play to her. And yet she still could not muster a word when he pulled away…

Then he thinks he should focus on how he can put out this fire, with freezing rain perhaps. But he’s not sure he has any tears left to squeeze out of his miserable soul. Maybe he’ll have to pour oil over everything and burn it all to the ground, end it completely. But he can’t hurt Suki, he can’t say anything that will break her heart, he’d never forgive himself— that is if the words would even come out of his mouth.

He knows then that he has to distance himself from her, bring about an unending winter to make sure she can step back and begin to hate him as much as everyone else does. He has to make sure Suki can never look at him the same way again, that she will never confine herself to his pathetic existence. She is capable of turning the world over on itself, she would hate to be chained to him on these melting islands.

 _Fire Lady,_ he thinks for a moment. But that is dangerous— he shoves the thought away.

Zuko closes his eyes and he can see her again, from that night of the Spring Festival, glowing like an angel and eyes blown wide with concern he only understands now. Beautiful. In the panic when the moonlight washes over her, in the warm light of their moments in the garden, illuminated by the setting sun by the harbour.

He can learn to live with just these memories. He has to.

It isn’t fair, but nothing ever has been in his life.

He barely speaks to her in the forthcoming days, that is if she sees him at all. Their training has been forgotten, their late night tea times out of the question. And when, by some force of the universe, the Fire Lord speaks to the Kyoshi warrior it is with a cadence that is so unfamiliar she wonders if this is some special punishment: it is tight like his voice is straining against his throat and so cold it seems impossible that it is spat out from a fire bender’s tongue.

It is on a day about as mundane as any other recently that Suki comes upon a quiet conversation.

She stops by the ajar door, just in time to switch over her post, when a thin voice wavers out.

“I understand that Princess Hua’s visit did not conclude every well,” the voice almost inquires.

There is no verbal response, Suki assumes the speaker must have been graced with another one of Zuko’s heavy nods that have become his favourite these days.

“Of course, there should be a good understanding between both parties, yes of course… However, it could be concerning… Hmm…”

“Is there a point to this conversation, Daisuke?”

“Well, yes. Strengthening your claim on the throne comes not only from your efforts and achievements… a lineage is a great factor.”

Zuko takes a breath, “I see.”

“The council is quite adamant that you seek out a Fire Lady, if you intend to remain Fire Lord.”

There is a dry laugh that resounds, “Is that a threat?”

Daisuke coughs a little, “I’m not sure of their intention but I would agree with them. Having a son as soon as possible would be a strong step forward. Your claim is legitimate but a strong ruler is one with children. After all, should anything happen to you, succession would be carried over to your sister — a great win for Ozai loyalists who would stop at nothing to make it a reality…

“It doesn’t help that the only talk regarding any romantic relationship is between you and Kyoshi Warrior Suki.”

She stills outside, eyes pulled wide.

It seems that Zuko cannot bring himself to respond until after a brief pause that does not go unnoticed by Suki.

“These rumors are untrue and harmful to the crown, gossip implying anything other than a strong friendship is to be terminated.”

There it is again, that tone Suki has come to detest so quickly. It washes a frigid breeze over her and makes her stomach drop.

“Yes of course, my Lord.”

She turns around, making down the other hallway so as not to be spotted by Daisuke upon his departure.

For some reason Suki can’t begin to name, she still tries with Zuko. She brings up old memories, comments on the changes in the Earth Kingdom, relays what Katara has written to her recently. But all of it is met with short and blunt responses that come from a man she does not recognize. Her smile has fallen more times than she can count.

She wonders if her infatuated mind tricks her into seeing Zuko’s stolen glances from her peripheral vision. It can’t be, because if and when their eyes ever meet now, there is nothing but stagnant hardened gold.

When she thinks to herself later, arranging her uniform and laying on the paint to her face before her shift for the night, she worries she has lost one of her closest friends. She decides she can’t let it happen, that if Zuko wants to avoid and cower away from her despite her efforts then she will just have to strike for the problem head on.

And she will strike tonight.

She arrives at midnight to his office, delivering three sharp knocks onto his door, not even waiting for a response before she enters. Zuko doesn’t turn his head at her entrance, does not comment when the door closes and refuses to stir when she walks to his desk.

“Bedtime…” she jokes, trying for one last time.

She wishes that he will respond, she won’t need explanation. She just wants him back.

Minutes pass. He stands slowly, closing his documents. Never saying a word.

Suki’s half-smile falls, she blinks slowly and lets out a deep breath. Her eyes open and there is a storm at seas brimming.

“So what, now? You’re just going to ignore me for the rest of our time together?” Suki snaps.

Zuko’s jaw clenches at her choice of words: _our time together._ But he still refuses to speak.

“I get it, okay? I assumed wrong,” Suki is toeing the line between yelling and speaking as frustration erupts through her, “I thought you felt differently… That was my mistake.”

Zuko wants so badly to correct her.

But he doesn’t. Because even if it’s hard, even if it feels impossible, it’s the right thing to do. The right thing is to not to break the hearts of those he loves dearly. And that means he cannot hurt Sokka and he cannot give himself the chance to hurt Suki. It is clear that the only way to accomplish these things is to sacrifice his happiness. Zuko is more than ready to do it. He wants to be selfless.

“But you can’t push me away. You can’t just throw away what we have. Forget what I thought, what I almost did. Don’t throw away our friendship because of me.”

“Suki—” finally he musters up the courage to speak. Perhaps to dissuade her, perhaps to console her. But she cuts him off.

“I can’t lose you because of my mistake.”

He turns to her. She is searching his face for an answer, begging him to respond. Her hands are clenched by her waist, desperate for him to let things go back to the way they were. There is a pain in her eyes that immediately clenches Zuko’s heart.

He has already hurt her. And he hates it more than anything.

So he gives in.

She is owed at least closure, before he ends whatever this is.

“You didn’t make a mistake,” His tone is firm, “I do feel differently… Every thing that I did — whatever we shared. It was different.”

“What do you mean different?”

But Zuko can’t say. He can’t tell her he loves her.

“It’s just different with you.”

“Shut up.”

“Suki—”

“Tell me what’s different right now.”

“I can’t—”

“Zuko!”

“I— I care for you. More than before. More than ever. I can’t say exactly but I— I just do.”

She remembers the conversation she spied on.

And it feels like every failed relationship all over again. It feels like stupid childhood dates that end in her developing insecurities. It feels like crushes that break her heart when they’re bored of her. It feels like a water tribe warrior telling her he loves her when he’s just infatuated with the idea of protecting her.

_Fire Lady._

She could never be _Fire Lady._ She is a warrior, a villager, a _peasant_ to this court. She could never fill that role, never be accepted into that role, and Zuko knows it. So why, why would he ever try to confuse her with proclamations of things being _different_ , of him _caring._

Her brows furrow up, she swallows and shakes her head, “You’re a liar.”

Zuko’s eyebrow shoots up, “No!”

“Why would you do this?”

“I’m telling you the truth, Suki—”

“Why did you waste my time? Was it a game to you?”

“No. Never.”

“Did you just want to try your luck? Everyone submits to the Fire Lord don’t they? The Kyoshi warrior would be _different._ A girl harder to catch.”

“It’s nothing like that—”

“Must be fun entertaining your personal guard huh? Just a little hobby of your’s.”

“Suki—“

“No!” Suki smiles as she dawns upon a realization, but there is only hysterical anger, “You didn’t even do it for that… No… You’re too busy for that stuff. You’re a leader. You think of strategy. You did it for protection. You did it because you needed the Kyoshi warriors to come and save you over and over and over again in your own home. Because you were drowning in your own world. You couldn’t save yourself. Because you’re just so helpless without us.”

He scowls.

And Suki thinks she’s hit her mark.

Her words strike like arrows straight into his chest. _Weak._ He is weak in Suki’s eyes. He should have known it, but he wanted to believe she saw something more. He wanted to believe her kind words snuck in with tea during their late nights together. He wanted to think he was admirable. No. Now he knows. She saw it from the very first day: he is a lost boy scared sick as he parades himself around like a god. He is a liar. A weak liar.

He is nothing more than his father.

And so he blames his inherited anger when he yells back, “I never asked for your help!”

The sudden yell silences Suki, she doesn’t make to cut him off.

“I never asked you to come here. I didn’t need your protection,” the words spit out of his mouth like he is vomiting poison again like he was months ago, “ _You_ used _me_! You were so upset about Sokka and all your awful memories in Kyoshi Island, you dropped everything to run away. You wanted to run from your problems and I let you. I welcomed you. If all you think of me is a fragile banished prince then you can go. I’m not choking on a deadly wine anymore, I don’t need you watching over my bedside. I don’t need you at all!”

Suki stands there, eyes burning holes into Zuko’s. Her lip is quivering and her arms lay limp at her sides, hands open with twitching fingers. Her eyes are watering but she can’t find it in herself to blink away the tears before they fall. She is frozen in place, reeling as his words echo in her head continuously. _Coward._ That’s what he meant. She was a coward when she ran away from her problems. She was a coward when she ran away from home. She is not a warrior, she doesn’t have the courage to be. And Suki thinks she’s never hated an accusation more.

He is breathing hard, like it took everything in him to spill his anger out. His throat burns when he breathes and his ribs constrict against his lungs, he can’t seem to get enough air to cool himself down. Zuko feels sparks flicker at his clenched fists but he has some semblance of control left to stop a wildfire from spreading in his chambers. There is another feeling pressing onto his chest: guilt.

Suki does what she knows best. She runs away.

Zuko feels like a monster. Finally, he thinks, his heart matches his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo hoo! new chapter after so long!! sorry for the wait
> 
> thank you so much for reading and please let me know your thoughts in the comments, i appreciate them so much <3


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